IT'S BACK!!! Instead of just lurking outside, Gore the Bore actually rang our bell today. Fortunately, I was over at Marcus' cutting up broken crockery for our mural and enjoying the compnay of someone NORMAL so it was Buskin' Bob answered the door. Buskin' Bob said Spectre Boy seemed perfectly normal to him. V polite and well-mannered. I said the CEO of Enron was very polite and well-mannered, too, and look what he got up to. Buskin' Bob took my point. He said if The Bore comes back he'll warn him off. I can't say that gave me much hope. Buskin' Bob might be the scourge of the multinationals, but I can't see Spectre Boy being intimidated by a man who never remembers to take his bicycle clips off in the house. Thank God this is a short month!
Sappho, Mags and the Piglet came round last night. You're not going to believe it! Now that they've changed the law Sappho and Mags are going to get married! I said, "Why's that, then? So the Piglet will have a father?" Sappho said I'm not half as funny as I think I am.
Day one of Marcus' project at the primary school. Today all we did was try to work out what will be in the mural. Marcus has forgiven me for not knowing who sent me the candy etc and came back to mine for tea afterwards. We cracked ourselves up talking about the afternoon. (One boy wanted to have soldiers in the picture. Marcus said you can’t have soldiers in it, it’s going to be a peace mural. The boy said, "Well soldiers are peace keepers, ain’t they?" I said not if they’re shooting at you, they’re not.) Marcus had just left when the doorbell rang. I reckoned he’d forgot something. It wasn’t Marcus. It was THE SPECTRE THAT HAUNTED JANET BANDRY!!! I didn’t even get the chance to say, "Gore, what are you doing here?" He started screaming at me that I’d lied to him about not seeing someone else. Is it the pollution that makes everyone so bonkers? I said if he didn’t stop bothering me I was going to the police, and I slammed the door in his face. I wonder if this is God’s way of punishing me for being so unsympathetic to my brother when Bethsheba was stalking him. (Not that it’s the same thing really. Knowing Justin, he probably did something to deserve it. Whereas I am completely a victim here!) Anyway if it is, I’d like God to know that I’ve learned my lesson. Truly! So please DO SOMETHING about Gore the Bore.
Willow says she may have to resign herself to never having a boyfriend again as long as she lives. The dumbing down thing isn’t working. She keeps forgetting. And she just read that they don’t like women with a sense of humour either. I said that’s ridiculous. How could anyone deal with men if they don’t have a sense of humour?
Went over to Disha's to weigh myself on her scales since ours seemed to be broken. Apparently they work just fine. I haven't lost anything on Disha's scales either. Disha suggested the Jesus diet. She said some bloke in Florida says that if you ask yourself what would Jesus eat you'll be slim. I said you could ask yourself what a child in Africa eats and then you'd really be slim. Disha said maybe I should just look on the bright side. I said what's that, then? She said fat people are happier than thin people. I said tell that to Lindsay Lohan. She said no really. She read it in the paper. I said well they won't be happy for long, will they? Because I read in the paper that the government wants to refuse treatment to fat people for any condition that's caused by their weight. Disha said that's ridiculous. Are they going to refuse people who are in motor accidents treatment because they got in a car? I said it wouldn't surprise me. If they'll arrest a person for reading out the names of our war dead in front of Parliament they're capable of anything.
Marcus rang tonight. When we’d got through all the how are you and now I know what hell is like blahblahblah bit Marcus said, "Well?" I said well what? He said didn’t I like his gifts? I said what gifts? Turns out, MARCUS sent me the flowers and candy. I said I didn’t know they were from him and he wanted to know who I thought they were from. I said well it could’ve been anybody. It’s a big world. He got all snotty and hung up!!! Men really are tres emotional, aren’t they? Can you imagine what state the world would be in if they got PMT?
Holidaying with the Deadly Duo, Duck Dog and Sigmund completely put Valentine’s Day out of my mind. Imagine my surprise to return home to find an ENORMOUS heart-shaped box of chocolates and a dead bunch of red roses waiting for me. Was v excited for about a minute-and-a-half. And then I realised that I don’t actually have a boyfriend any more they must’ve come from my not-so-secret admirer Gore the Bore. Put them straight in the rubbish.
The Mad Cow wanted to know if I had a nice time in Norfolk. I said only compared to being in a Chinese prison.
Sigmund said that the other reason he offered to take The Deadly Duo with us is because, as an experienced mental health professional, he reckoned he could help Marcella and Lucrezia with their behavioural problems (Marcella's constant crying and Lucrezia's insanity). I could've told him it wasn't going to work, but no one listens to me so why waste my breath? On Sunday he took them to the local superstore to buy provisions. Came back with THREE boxes of wine. I said when did you become an alcoholic? He said at about the time Lucrezia threw a major hissy fit because they didn't have her favourite biscuits and the security guard turned up and Lucrezia told him that Sigmund was trying to abduct her. I said what did Marcella say? He said Marcella didn't say anything. She was in Eve of Destruction mode and crying too much to come out of the car so he left her with Duck Dog. Anyway, Sigmund's given up the idea of helping them and decided that the only way of controlling either of them is to exhaust them so they go to bed early. He takes them out straight after breakfast and doesn't come back till suppertime. Duck Dog goes with them. Duck Dog has his own backpack (Sigmund will be buying him Wellies and an anorak next!) I refuse to go with them. Unlike the Hotspur Hovel in Wales, the cottage Sigmund's rented has electricity and a telly and a DVD player, so it's more like home than a primitive borstal. The bad news is that the only person who passes out right after supper is Sigmund, so I'm the one stuck listening to Lucrezia sing and Marcella weep.
I wasn't going to take Sigmund up on his offer of spending half term in the countryside with him but I reckoned that besides getting me away from Gore the Bore it would get me away from the Gruesome Twosome as well. It's bad enough having them in the flat on the weekend, but a whole week is TOO MUCH to contemplate. So I was well ready when Sigmund came to collect me this morning. As soon as I saw him pull up out front I picked up my bag and headed for the door. Which was when I noticed that I wasn't the only one picking up her bag and heading for the door. I asked Marcella where she and Lucrezia were going. She said with me. Apparently Sigmund decided to take them with us to give The Mad Cow and Buskin' Bob a break. (What a prince among mere mortal men! If he'd been that considerate when he was married to my mother he wouldn't be living on his own in Kilburn with a water dog that can't swim.) I was still recovering from this shock when I spotted Gore the Bore across the road. Spying on me! I pretended I didn't see him, but I really don't think this can be a good sign. Anway, here we are in Norfolk. Needless to say, the ride up was hell, even though Sigmund rented a real car for the occasion. Duck Dog sat on my lap the whole way because for some mad reason he HAS to have his head out the window the whole time and Lucrezia wouldn't let him in the back because she said he smells. Marcella sobbed quietly through the entire journey, but Lucrezia has decided to become a famous pop star so she sang. It was excruciating. It was like the Eurovision Song Contest, but in a Ford and with only one contestant. Have locked myself in my room. This could do wonders for my diet if I decide not to come out till it's time to go home.
Buskin' Bob all tweaked out because he just discovered that they're not really recycling our recycling, they're sending it to China. (Like they'd want all our old newspapers, right? They can't even read them!) I said does this mean I don't have to spend the best years of my life lugging junk to the recycling bin down the road and he said no. He's going to write a letter to the Council. He's always writing letters about global warming and the erosion of our civil liberties and torturing prisoners and the war and stuff like that, but I haven't noticed anything changing. I said I admired his optimism.
I couldn't convince The Mad Cow that we should change our phone number so Gore the Bore can't ring me all the time (she can be tres stubborn), but she and Buskin' Bob did agree to screen all calls. So when he does phone she always tells him I'm not in. Her theory was that he'd give up eventually. But Gore the Bore's got the determination of the Prime Minister, who says he has NO reverse gear. Today I came home and found him lying in wait again (Gore the Bore, not the Prime Minister). Usually when he turns up like that I do a runner or sneak into Willow's when he's not looking and get into ours through the back. But I'm pretty fed up with that, and also I was wearing my best boots and I didn't want to get them all mucky tramping through the mud in the garden. So this time I decided to take Disha's advice and tell him straight out that I don't want to go out with him. So that's what I did. I explained that I'd just broken up with someone (almost true) and that I'm not ready to start a new relationship yet (which is what the magazines always tell you to say). He listened to me like he could hear and understand English and all, but when I was done he said, "So you want to go to a film on the weekend?" I said yes, but not with him. He wanted to know if I was seeing someone else. He said I could tell him the truth. I said I was telling him the truth, I'm not seeing anyone and I don't want to go out with him. I said and anyway I'm going away with my father on the weekend. He said, "Really?" I said what did he mean, "Really?" He said he meant was I really going away with my father. I could be going away with another boy, even though I knew it would break his heart. I said it's not your heart I'd like to break just right now. He said he'd ring me when I get back.
Since I've decided to get more exercise - and since I'm not about to do yoga, get back on the killer bike or do anything else that might endanger my life - I gave in and went to the heath with Sigmund and Duck Dog yesterday. Sigmund said he had to get Duck Dog out of the flat before he destroyed everything not made out of steel. All went well for the first half hour (Sigmund's getting on and he's still quitting smoking so there's no danger of breaking a sweat). And then we were strolling over this hill, when Duck Dog suddenly took off after this little white mop dog with a pink bow in its hair. Sigmund started shouting, "Freud! Freud! Get back here!", but Duck Dog doesn't pay any more attention to him than the rest of us. Meanwhile, the mop's owners started screaming, "Sweetie Pie! Sweetie Pie!", but it didn't have any effect either. [Note to Self: If I ever have a pet of my own I'm going to name it something sensible like Andy or Gemma so people don't look at me like I'm mad when I have to call it in public!] We all started running. Sweetie Pie went straight down the hill and into the lake. Duck Dog went in after her. Sweetie Pie paddled round to where her owners were waiting for her, but Duck Dog sank like an anchor. Sigmund had to jump in to rescue him. I said you'd think a water dog would be able to swim, wouldn't you? Sigmund said Duck Dog probably got confused. You know, because the only water he'd ever seen before the lake came from a tap. If you ask me, he's not the only one who's confused.
Finally dragged the scales out from the hall closet (where I put them after the last time I went on a diet). It's a MIRACLE!!!! I haven't even gained an ounce. Of course I haven't even lost an ounce, either, but one has to be positive about these things. Mayhaps the MC has a point. If I burn a few more calories I might actually be able to fit into my new jeans. You'd really think science would have come up with some easy, pain-free solution to this weight thing, wouldn't you? I mean, they can make mice with human ears on their heads and fluorescent green pigs (which are useful for WHAT precisely?), but if you want to lose a few kilos you either have to have your stomach stapled (gross), work out (exhausting), or live on water and lettuce (tres depressing).
Marcus came round after school today to ask me if I wanted to help with this project he's doing at the primary school near his house. He's going to make a peace mosaic on one wall of the main building and he's going to get the little kids involved in making it with him. I said how did they con you into this? And he said no one conned him it was all his own idea (he may be irrational, but he does have a good heart). He said and also it will look really good on our records, since it demonstrates community spirit, creativity and initiative. I reckon my school record shows plenty of creativity and initiative already (I am on the staff of the school magazine, after all) but it's a little sparse on the community spirit. So I said yes. I said it was nice of him to think of me. He said he always thinks of me.
So far this diet thing isn't working (there's a change!). If I eat an apple for breakfast and a carrot stick for lunch I'm so FAMISHED by supper that I'll even eat tofu. The MC says my problem isn't how much I eat, or even what I eat - it's that I never get any exercise. I said that isn't true. I said exercise isn't just running three miles carrying weights. I said going things like cleaning my room count. She said that's what she said, I never get any exercise. She said if I rode my bike to school instead of taking the bus I could lose as much as a pound a week without really trying. Maybe riding a bike to school isn't really trying to her, but it's really trying to me.
|
Monday 20th February 2006