Tonight over the evening burnt offering the Mad Cow said something to Buskin Bob about how excited she is that he's finally going to meet Justin. I said who? She said Justin. You remember him. He's your brother. I said I didn't know Buskin' Bob was going to Mexico. The Mad Cow said he isn't. Justin's coming home. I was flabbergasted! HERE? She said as far as she knows, we only have the one home. You'd think someone would have told ME, wouldn't you? She said she did. But NOT WHEN I WAS LISTENING! Rang Disha straight after supper. I said I think this may solve the problem of Sigmund being lonely since I'm obviously going to have to move in with him or share my room with the Deadly Duo. Disha said that's not my only problem. I said it isn't? She said what about all money I nicked from Justin's room? I said I didn't nick it, I BORROWED it. She wanted to know if that meant I can pay it back. I said not yet.
Found myself alone in the kitchen with Lucrezia yesterday morning. Lucrezia isn't exactly a conversation starter (because she isn't interested in ANYONE ELSE) so it was up to me to fill the silence. Was tempted to ask her if she's got new medication or something since she's been astonishingly normal lately, but instead asked her what she wants to be when she grows up. She said a celebrity. I said for doing what? She said you don't have to do ANYTHING to be a celebrity, you just are one. My eyes fell on the picture of Nicole Richie still taped to the fridge. It scares me to say this, but maybe Lucrezia's right. Took the picture off the fridge and threw it away.
Nan and the Vicar and the dog came by for supper tonight on their way home from one of their Christian Anti-war Vigils. I said I was surprised they still went in for that sort of thing. Nan wanted to know why. I said because Tony Blair said he talked over invading Iraq with God before he took us to war. Nan said SO? She said what made me think God told him to go to war. (Um duh!) I said well he WENT, didn't he? Nan said since Tony Blair didn't listen to anybody else about not going to war she doubted he'd listen to God either. (Another $100 that could have been MINE!)
Managed to get a chunk of the mosaic up today (less than a square metre but more than a square centimetre) with no blood. Marcus asked the kids what they thought of it. They said it looks like broken mugs. Marcos walked me home. He put his arm around my shoulders when we were crossing the road (because of the time I stepped out in front of a crazed cyclist) and didn't take it off. I said I'd been wondering lately why I broke up with him. He said he's been wondering too. As soon as he left The Spectre That Haunts Janet Bandry was at the door. I hadn't even noticed him lurking! He said if I go out with someone else he'll kill himself. I said, "How?"
Disha came home with me today. Gore the Bore was doing his impersonation of a gargoyle across the road. Disha said how long is he going to keep this up? I said until I agree to go out with him. Which I'm obviously not going to do since there isn't any point. I mean you usually go out with someone till you find out how mad they are, but I already know how mad he is. Disha said there must be something I can do to get rid of him. I said I tried threatening him with the police but since he doesn't DO anything I hadn't actually called them. Disha said he doesn't have to DO anything. I said, you what? she said under section 126 of the Serious Organised Crime and Police Act ( the one they used to arrest that girl outside of Parliament for reading the names of our war dead) he doesn't have to DO anything. She said if a person is outside or in the vicinity of anyone's home with the purpose of persuading them to do something he can be nicked. Went straight to the phone and rang the coppers. The officer I spoke to was tres uninterested. He said you can't have someone arrested for not doing anything. I said that isn't true. I said according to section 126 etc that's exactly what you can do. He said what was I? A solicitor? I said I was thinking about it.
Got left alone with the Gruesome Twosome last night. For once they weren't too bad. Lucrezia had a DVD to watch and Marcella wasn't crying. Decided to do the big sister bit and asked Marcella why she was having a hard time with her mother. She said because her mother's really stupid. I said my mother used to be really stupid, too, but as I've got older she's started to get smarter. Marcella said she doesn't think she can wait that long.
Had to borrow a pencil from one of the little girls who's doing the mosaic with us this afternoon. She pulled out a pencil case with the PLAYBOY logo on it! I was shocked! Nobody told ME PLayboy is marketing things for kids. Since I'm the niece of a radical feminist who emits blue sparks at the tiniest suggestion of pornography (and who once said the only good word you could ever say about Hugh Hefner, the founder of Playboy, would be dead), I asked Marcos what he thought since he comes from a regular family and is a male. Marcos was as shocked as I was. He said it's really hard to understand a world where you're not allowed to take pictures of kids running round a playground in case you turn out to be a paedophile but it's all right to buy them Playboy pencil cases. Spent the night wondering why I ever broke up with him.
The Mad Cow was all wound up tonight because an emergency (the organic cauliflower she bought in the market was rotten) sent her to the supermarket, and on her way to the cauliflowers she passed a shrink-wrapped coconut. She wanted to know who in their right mind would shrink-wrap a coconut. It's already wrapped. I said probably the same bloke who invented the Tobago holder.
Was discussing Sigmund with Disha today. I said you have to be pretty majorly lonely to think a water dog that can't swim is a companion. She said she was impressed by my maturity - you know, worrying about my dad like he's a human being. I said I impressed myself. Disha said maybe Sigmund should try the personals. I said he'd never go for it. Being some sort of psychotherapist (and an adulterer with a failed marriage) has made him cynical. Disha said that was too bad since millions of people find love and happiness that way. And that's when IT HIT ME!!!! If the lonely man won't go to the personals, the personal will come to him! I'll put an ad in for him. Sometimes I think I really am a GENIUS.
Read an article by this bloke who said he was disappointed when his first child was born and it was a girl. It ruined his marriage. Asked Buskin' Bob (who, if you ask me, is a man who COULD be disappointed in his daughters) if that's how he felt. He said no. He said he was overjoyed. Was tempted to ask him if he was still overjoyed but didn't want to get a lecture. Rang Sigmund to get his opinion. Sigmund said the only thing I could ever do to disappoint him would be to marry a politician. See what I mean? If I was in America that little remark could have been worth $100!!!! Still haven't had a reply to my letter to the Prime Minister. I reckon he's too busy destroying the Middle East to pay any attention to me.
Finally started the mosaic for real today. Not one but SIX of the kids managed to cut themselves. There was blood everywhere. Marcos says maybe we should think about using coloured grout.
Am beginning to think that Marcella may be onto something with this crying all the time lark. It's AMAZING we're all not in tears. Apparently we not only have to worry about terrorists, global warming, AIDS, and what's in our shampoo, but we have to worry about bird flu as well. Can only hope Duck Dog didn't infect me when he slept on top of me the other night.
Buskin' Bob wanted to know who the anorexic taped to the fridge is. I said she's not an anorexic she's a fashion icon. He said she looks more like a famine victim. I said you're only a famine victim if you're poor and don't have anything to eat. If you're rich and spend a thousand times more on shoes in a year than your average African village spends on corn mush you're a fashion icon.
Spent last night at Sigmund's for some peace and quiet. Got neither. Wound up doing about a week's worth of dishes. Sigmund's housekeeping skills have never been what you'd call advanced but they've got worse since he's been on his own. Couldn't even find any clean sheets so slept in my clothes. Woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was being smothered by something with a motor. It was Duck Dog. (150 cats and dogs are stolen EVERY DAY - and not one of them is him. What are the odds?) Duck Dog doesn't like sleeping alone and he snores. I said well why doesn't he sleep with Sigmund, then, instead of ME? Sigmund says he sleeps with him all the time and he wanted a break. Asked Sigmund to give me one good reason why he lives with this animal and he said because he's company. Was overwhelmed with sadness for him (Sigmund, not the Living Muppet). Think the lack of clean dishes and sheets could be a sign of depression. Or even a CRY FOR HELP! Am going to put on my Agony Aunt hat and think of some way to give him that help.
We were meant to start sticking pieces of the mosaic on the wall today but it was pissing down so Marcos and I went back to his to cut up more broken china. Marcos is not one of those men who hate women with a sense of humour. Had us both in stitches.
Had such a good time that I completely forgot how awful my life really is for a few hours. Remembered as soon as I got home. The Spectre That Haunts Janet Bandry was standing across the street under an umbrella. (It wasn't even a cool umbrella. It was one his mum must have got free from the bank.) If he thinks that standing in the rain looking heartbroken and forlorn is going to make me feel sorry for him, he's SADLY MISTAKEN. It makes me feel sorry for ME. Made it safely into the House of Horrors to find Marcella crying in the living room (no reason) and Lucrezia bawling in the kitchen (she forgot her red pyjamas). Then the Mad Cow went bonkers because she'd given me fifty quid this morning to buy some health and hygiene necessities and I spent the lot. I said well what did she give it to me for if she didn't expect me to spend it? She said since when did shampoo etc cost fifty quid? I said it wasn't the shampoo, it was the etc. I said it might interest her to know that the Prime Minister spent over a thousand pounds on make-up. She said she'd wager the poor British taxpayer was paying for that fiasco, too. Locked myself in the bathroom after that. Looked at the scales. I've been avoiding them but I was in a weakened condition. The good news is that SOMETHING finally happened. The bad news is that I gained a kilo. I'm going to have to try harder. Found a picture of Nicole Richie in a leotard in a magazine and taped it to the fridge to inspire me.
Conversation in the Bandry-Hotspur hovel was all DOOM AND GLOOM tonight. Buskin' Bob said the threat of global warming is much worse than even he thought (and WE ALL KNOW how bad he thought it was since he never shut up about it). Apparently, polar bears are dying, ice caps are melting and the entire planet's likely to turn into a flood area. I said I reckoned he's getting all wound up about nothing (as usual!). I said according to the American President there is no such thing as global warming. Buskin' Bob wanted to know if I meant the same American President who said Iraq had weapons of mass destruction? The same American President who said the bloke in charge of not letting New Orleans drown was doing a good job? The American President who reads picture books upside down? Blahblahblahblahblah... I said just because the President was wrong about everything else didn't mean he was wrong about this. Buskin' Bob said he'd bet me, but he doubted he'd survive long enough to collect.
I reckon I'm living in the wrong country. I heard on the radio that in the US the Republicans are giving students $100 for reporting a teacher who says unfavourable things about the government. I'm considering writing to the Prime Minister and suggesting that he starts doing that here. My family's always saying unfavourable things about the government. I could make a fortune without ever leaving the house!
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Sunday 26th March