Since I still haven't lost any weight even though I don't eat enough to keep a fly alive, I broke down and went to the bookshop checking out the diet books. There are about three hundred of them (and it's not even a v big bookshop!). Don't eat this. Don't eat that. Eat this. Don't eat that. One tells you to live on carrot juice and the next one tells you that whatever you do you shouldn't eat carrots. It's like anybody with ten minutes spare time to fill thinks, hey, I know what! I'll write a diet book! Got so depressed I bought a family-size packet on crisps on the way home and ate the whole thing.
Was just beginning to think that Gore the Bore had finally twigged that I'd rather date Godzilla than him since he hadn't rung in a couple of days when I came home today to find him sitting on the steps! Turned right round and went straight to Disha's. How did he find out where I live - I mean, it's not like I gave him my address. Disha said but I told him my name. He probably looked us up in the phone book. [Note to Self: When I get my own flat I will ALWAYS have an unlisted number!]
Told the MC about Sigmund getting Duck Dog. She said she reckons he must be feeling a bit lonely, you know, living in the wilderness on his own and all. I said it was more like he was having ANOTHER mid-life crisis. I can only hope that his next one is the one where he buys a convertible red Jaguar.
Sigmund rang last night and said I should stop by his today as he had a surprise for me. I was hoping for money or at least an IPOD. DOOMED TO DISAPPOINTMENT once again. And although it was a surprise, it wasn't precisely for me (for which I am eternally grateful). Sigmund's gone and bought a dog!!!! His name is Freud. I said why's that, than, because he's got a beard? And he isn't even a real dog. He's a Portuguese Water Dog. (No, I've never heard of them either. If you ask me whoever sold it to him made it up.) Freud's bigger than Sigmund's kitchen, has hair instead of fur and (wait for it!) he's got webbed feet! Really! I said what are the duck feet for, and Sigmund said for swimming. I said unless there were hidden parts to Kilburn that I hadn't seen they aren't actually near any water. Sigmund said (and I quote), "We can take him up to the heath." I asked if he was using "we" the way the Queen does, or did he mean him and me? He said him and me. It's just too mindboggingly, gobsmackingly incredible, isn't it? First they've got me mind their spewing, mewling infants and dysfunctional children, and now I'm meant to walk their dogs as well!
Disha said Calum doesn't really know Gore the Bore, he's just a friend of a friend. (Personally, I'm pretty amazed that he's got a friend!) So that's just brilliant. Now how am I meant to get rid of him? Disha says I should just tell him I don't want to go out with him but that seems a bit drastic. I don't see why he can't work it out on his own.
Although no one bothered to tell ME (of course!), Sappho, Mags and the MC all went out for a meal last night. You'll never guess who got stuck minding the Piglet. As soon as she saw them heading for the door she started crying. Mags said not to worry, she'd stop after a couple of minutes. Unfortunately, no one bothered to tell the Piglet that. She went on and on and on... I tried giving her a bottle and she threw it at me. So then I thought maybe she was wet or something, but that didn't happen till I got the diaper off her. I pulled out all the toys she'd brought with her (and believe me, for the child of non-materialists she's got an awful lot), but they just made her cry more. Rang Nan to see what she thought I should do. Nan said babies like movement, so I scooped her up and walked all round the flat, rocking her in my arms. Much to my amazement it actually worked! And even though she's not the most beautiful baby I've ever seen, she did look sort of angelic asleep. So I tiptoed her back to her carry cot and gently put her down. And she went off like a smoke alarm. Didn't sit down ALL NIGHT!
Gore the Bore has rung every night for over a week to ask me out and I always give him some dumb excuse. Last night I told him I was going on a Buddhist retreat at the weekend and can't possibly think about non-spiritual things until I come back. I'm beginning to think that there's something seriously wrong with him. Can't he take a hint? Must ask Disha to ask her brother about him. Maybe she can find out something that I could use to dissuade him, like he doesn't like girls who wear pink or something (I'd even be willing to dye my hair blue if I thought it would put him off!).
Asked the MC if it was me or if the Gruesome Twosome are ALWAYS at ours on the weekend. She said it's not me. They are always at ours. Apparently Marcella isn't getting along with her mother (and NOBODY gets along with Lucrezia) so Buskin' Bob decided they should both have a break. I'd like to know when someone's going to give me a break, that's what I'd like to know!
Disha agrees that Willow's mad, dumbing down to get a boyfriend. She said it's like that old joke about not wanting to join any club that would have you for a member. Why would you want to go out with a bloke who will only date someone he thinks is a bimbo? I said I reckon she and I are really getting mature because we're beginning to think like my aunt.
Felt so faint from hunger this afternoon that I had to stop on the way home and get some fish and chips. May have to rethink diet since starvation doesn't really work for me.
You know it's Christmas when the chocolate and diamond ads start showing up on the telly. And you know it's after Christmas when all the magazines have headlines like GET READY FOR THAT BIKINI and HOW TO LOSE THOSE HOLIDAY POUNDS. So even though I swore I would never go another diet again so long as I live I decided that I will. I mean, I've still got those skinny jeans on the floor of my wardrobe. If Claudia Schiffer can lose weight to get into hers, then I can lose weight to get into mine.
Willow next door says her resolution for the new year is to get a serious boy friend (AT LAST!). She said she's worked out what the problem has been. I said you mean your psychotic child and lunatic dachshund? Willow said no. She said she read somewhere that men don't like women who are too intelligent or successful, and she reckons that's why she never has more than two dates with the same bloke. (Which just goes to show you, doesn't it? To me Willow will always be the Dippy Hippy, but to adult men the fact that she has her own business and is studying to be a herbalist makes her intimidating and threatening!) I said so what does that mean? That you're going to pretend that you're dumber than you are? She said yes. She said women have been doing it for thousands of years. I said not in my family they haven't.
Disha and I went to the January sales today. I think Buskin' Bob may be right that all the clothes on the high streets are made really cheaply in sweatshops in China and places like that because they obviously don't understand British measurements. Nothing I tried on fit me! Disha said it's like when you call one of those help lines and you wind up talking to someone in Delhi who can't understand you and you can't understand them. So I got a big nothing. There's no way I'm going UP a size.
Gore the Bore rang tonight. Unfortunately, I couldn't put my I-Never-Heard-of-Janet-Bandry plan into action because The Mad Cow answered the phone. Busted. He wanted to go to the cinema tomorrow. I said I was v sorry, but I already had other plans. Hung up real fast before he could suggest another day.
I reckon whoever came up with the saying "It's better to give than to receive" must have had a family like mine (and not a family that gives £18,000 pound watches as gifts). But this Christmas the WORST present award definitely went to Sappho, Mags and the Piglet (which means that it's not technically a Christmas present, but I'm still counting it). Mags must have made it. (Sappho isn't creative, she's just aggressive). It's a pair of the Piglet's old overalls that she shellacked or starched or something so that they're totally stiff. (I can only thank the Lord that she didn't decide to recycle one of the Piglet's old nappies for my gift!) I was too gobsmacked to ask what I was meant to do with it. Have finally solved that problem by sticking the plant Nan gave me in it. Which actually makes both of them look better.
[other girls get gold chains...]
In a phenomenal FIRST, Disha's parents actually went out last night when a party was in progress! (They didn't go far, of course, just across the road, but they weren't in the house, which is what counts.) Proving once again that age does not bring wisdom, they reckoned that because Disha's brother Calum was having his mates round as well there were responsible adults in the house. (An idea that was pretty much dispelled when they found all the cigarette butts in the pot plants and the vomit in the back garden.) The party was in full swing when I got there, because I couldn't find anything to wear since there was no way I could wear my new jeans and actually enjoy myself (or walk or breathe!). Was really in the mood for a party until I walked through the door. There, right in front of my face, was Marcus in this tres deep conversation with some girl I'd never seen before. (Who was wearing the SKINNIEST pair of jeans I've ever seen in my life and didn't look like she was in any pain at all!). You didn't have to me one of the best agony aunts in the world of high school magazines to see that she was after him like a slug after the lettuce. And you should've heard her laugh when he said something funny! It sounded like someone was training seals. Marcus was obviously enjoying all the attention because he certainly didn't see me. It was HOURS later before he finally looked over. He said something to Circus Girl and nodded in my direction. I didn't want him to think he was doing me some major favour by actually speaking to me, so I grabbed the nearest boy and asked him to dance. I was all smiles and laughter so Marcus would see what a brilliant time I was having, and it worked because he didn't come over. But NOTHING is ever simple is it? Once the dance was over, I couldn't get rid of my partner. He hung on to me like he'd fallen off a ship in the Atlantic and I was the life preserver. His name is Gore (like that's a name, right?) and he knows Calum from somewhere, but I'm not sure where because he's one of those people who makes everything he says sound so astoundingly uninteresting that you don't really listen. Gore the Bore. Then he asked me for my phone number. I wasn't going to give it to him (I've got my family to put me to sleep, I don't need to recruit outsiders for that), but I caught Marcus looking our way, so I made a big deal of writing it down and sticking it in his shirt pocket. Finally got away from him by going to the loo and not coming back.
NEWS FLASH!! I had to break off to answer the door and guess who it was! Marcus and Circus Girl! (Lucrezia let them in of course.) He said he wanted to introduce me to his cousin at the party but I disappeared. I didn't even know he had a cousin. So now I've got to live in dread of Gore the Bore ringing me, and ALL FOR NOUGHT! (I reckon that if he does ring , I'll just pretend I'm someone else and tell him he's got the wrong number.) Another year, another problem.
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Saturday 28th January 2006 