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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!
Can you believe it? I just about got used to the old year and now here's another one. I don't know about you, but I find this a moody, thoughtful time of year. As soon as the Christmas trees start appearing at the side of the road (which in our neighbourhood is on Boxing Day, when most of us haven't even ironed out the wrapping paper from our presents to reuse next year!), I feel a certain wistfulness descend on me. Perhaps it's the bits of tinsel clinging to those browning branches and blowing forlornly in the frosty wind, but I find myself taking stock of the old year and wondering about the new one. Where have I been? I ask myself. Where the hell am I going? But that's what NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS are all about, isn't it? When your brain begins functioning again [all right, I give up: How did people celebrate Christmas before television was invented?] you find yourself gazing in the mirror in a solemn, what's-it-all-about? sort of way. You know, thinking about life and things of that ilk. Questions about the meaning of LIFE, the FATE OF MANKIND and the NATURE OF LOVE stampede through your mind like a pack of wild horses fleeing a landslide. How can I be a better person? Can the planet be saved from climate change? Is true love real? Will Tony Blair really bring about Peace in the Middle East? Will Britney Spears ever regain custody of her children? And then your thoughts narrow as you twig that the face staring back at you is YOURS. All thoughts of halting global warming and making the world a nicer place take a step or two backward in your mind. You lean a little closer to the glass, squinting. Wasn't I going to do SOMETHING about my hair last year? you ask.
If you didn't have the sense to throw it out on January second, this is the point at which you dig out your list of resolutions from last year. You may have a TRES strong will and an enormous amount of character, self-discipline and determination. If you do, then when you read through last year's resolutions you get a warm glow and allow yourself a humble but happy smile. You got a black belt in karate, just like you said you would. [Also like you said you would] You mastered the ukelele. You adopted a small child in Africa and an orphaned orang-utan. You got your carbon footprint down to the size of a mouse paw. You didn't eat ANY CHOCOLATE, CHIPS or DOUBLE-FUDGE BROWNIES the whole year.
On the other hand, you may be like the rest of us. You know, weak... easily distracted... really forgetful. If you are, then when you read through last year's resolutions instead of smiling (humbly) you wind up clasping your head and screaming out loud, OH MY GOD, I DIDN'T EVEN MANAGE TO READ ONE PAGE OF JAMES JOYCE!
That's why, this year, Aunt Know-it-all has decided to give you, my loyal readers, some help in marching forth into the new year. Going through my post I know what really concerns the modern girl. Yes, we worry about the hole in the ozone layer and that polar bear clinging to that tiny bit of ice. (Who wouldn't? I mean besides the oil companies and chaps like that.) Yes, we want to bring about world peace and feed the starving masses of the world. (Who wouldn't? You know, besides arms dealers and that sort of bloke.) But I believe we should all start our work for a better planet closer to home. It's like that old saying: Physician, heal thyself! One can't really solve the problems of the entire globe until one's sorted oneself out, can one? And let's face it, what concerns most of us at this time of year after all those pounds of biscuits and Christmas cake is this: Why can't I button the jeans I bought in November?
The truth is that even at the best of times (when one's more likely to have a bowl of salad set in front of you than a plate of turkey and mashed potatoes) there is hardly a girl amongst us who isn't either: A. On a diet; B. About to go on a diet; C. Thinking about going on a diet. D. Just recovering from a diet; or E. ALL OF THE ABOVE. Between me, the double X chromosome members of my family and my female friends we've probably been on every diet ever invented. More than once!!! [The Mad Cow has even gone to Weight Watchers - FOUR TIMES - but she never lasts long because she finds the bit where they weigh you tres embarrassing!!!!] I have seen active combat in the Battle of the Bulge. I know what it's like to dissolve an entire tub of chocolate-peanut butter ice cream under the tap so as not to be tempted to sneak from one's room in the middle of the night to eat it! I have witnessed the duct-taping shut of the refrigerator to keep temptation at bay! So I have tips. I have insights. I have compassion and understanding. I have advice.
Let's begin at the beginning, shall we?
TO DIET OR NOT TO DIET: THAT IS THE QUESTION
I know this sounds as completely unbelievable as aliens landing in aback garden in Hackney because they want to help us solve our problems (given the problems we have, you'd think they'd stay well away!), but THERE ARE PEOPLE who diet when they don't need to! (Sometimes they're always dieting!!!) This, if you want to know what think, is like having a tooth filled when it doesn't have a cavity. It is so tres counterproductive. Some of these girls may not be so skinny they look like you could break them by blowing on them, but they aren't so heavy that they can't take a cheap flight to Malaga because they can't fit in the seat, either. They're just regular human girls. Average. Normal. Some of them are ACTUALLY WELL THIN! Only they don't think so. They think they're gross. They think they're gigantic. They think that if they don't starve themselves into a size 0 [UM DUH! As if such a thing exists!!!! Wake up ladies, ZERO means NOTHING!] their lives will be ruined. These girls have what we professional advice givers call poor SI (Self Image). They have perfectly good bodies that are attractive and (TRES IMPORTANTLY) that work well, but they aren't satisfied with them. These girls look at someone like Posh Spice (who, let's be honest here, makes your average stick insect look chunky) and they think that's what they should look like too. According to my aunt, the radical feminist lesbian, this being dissatisfied with your perfectly good body lark can be blamed on men. (Though, to be honest, my aunt says that most things can be blamed on men.) Sappho's reasoning can get rather complicated at times, and her whole spiel takes about sixteen years to get through, so I'm going to give you the short version. The short version is that men are afraid of women and don't really like them very much. That's why, traditionally, men have treated women as property without any rights. Not only that, but men are so afraid of women and so desperate to control them that for most of human history men have been torturing women one way or another (binding their feet, stuffing them in corsets, sticking bustles on their backsides, shoving them into eight-inch heels, etc). And making sexual objects of them (you know, as opposed to seeing them as PEOPLE). This is where the poor self-image bit comes in. Women have been convinced that what's important is not what they do or what sort of person they are, but HOW THEY LOOK. I don't usually agree with my aunt (well, never, really) but she does have a point here. Try this zip quiz to see what I mean. Think of six famous, important and/or influential men. [Odds are besides the football players and Bono there'll be at least two politicians and a couple of billionaire businessmen - and most of them will be about as attractive as cold oatmeal.] Now think of six famous, important and/or influential women. Try really hard. [If you've got one who isn't an actor, model or singer or drop-dead gorgeous you're doing tres well.]
So here's a simple test to help you tell what your reasons for wanting to go on a diet are.
Choose the answer you most agree with:
1. A girl can never be
a. too smart
b. too strong
c. too thin
2. Men aren't attracted to girls who
a. don't know what a hat trick is
b. can't climb Ben Nevis
c. throw a shadow
3. One of the greatest skills a girl can have is
a. karate
b. carpentry
c. an encyclopaedic knowledge of the number of calories in every item found in her local supermarket
4. Can water make you fat?
a. Don't be ridiculous
b. Only if it's one of those flavoured waters that has sugar in it, and then you'd have to drink any awful lot of it
c. ANYTHING can make you fat
5. Is that true? Even AIR?
a. Of course that's not true
b. Spinach won't make you fat
c. Yes
6. You're on the Titanic and it's sinking. What do you save?
a. The small child who's lost her mother
b. Nothing. Who can think about material goods at a time like that?
c. my bathroom scales
d. Nothing. I'm about to get in the last lifeboat when I realise my calorie counter's back in my cabin and I go to retrieve it. I go down with the ship.
7. My greatest fear is
a. Climate change
b. A nuclear disaster
c. Gaining a stone
8. What's the worst nightmare you ever had?
a. The one where you turn up at school in your pyjamas and your owl slippers
b. I was shopping with my mum and she was picking out my clothes for me
c. I couldn't stop eating
9. My favourite food is
a. Anything with chips
b. Anything with spinach
c. A small plain green salad, no dressing
d. That's like asking what my favourite poison is
10. This completely cool and gorgeous bloke you've gone out with a couple of times invites you over for a meal to meet his parents. This isn't something you expected (well, why would you?), but he's done all the cooking himself. Macaroni and cheese, chips, mixed salad, the lot. You
a. scarf it all up
b. wish he could have made a bit of spinach to go with it
c. eat the green bits of the salad
d. slip it all into my handbag when he isn't looking because I don't want to hurt his feelings
Scoring: You get one point for an a.; one for a b.; 2 for a c.; and 100 for a d. Anything over ten and you'd be a lot better off taking a course in Women's Studies than going on a diet.
All right, now you know that your reasons for thinking you should lose a little weight aren't because you're a victim of a patriarchal society, but you still may not be totally sure that you really need to diet. Maybe you're fretting over nothing! Maybe you're fretting over a couple of pounds that actually make you look incredibly attractive. Sadly, it's no good asking your mother or your boyfriend or your best mate or anyone like that if it's time you gave up the crisps and chocolate and joined a gym.
Mothers (many of them having spent most of their adult lives either on or off a diet) are all too aware of the pitfalls and don't like to encourage what could become obsessive behaviour. Plus, they're mothers. Your mother looks at you and sees this cute, sweet person with her own blue eyes and her double-jointed thumb. Not someone who can squeeze her tummy as if it's made of popcorn. There's no way she'll tell you the truth. [NB: There is one way. If you borrow that slinky black dress of hers without notifying her first and bust a seam she may, in a fit of that irrational rage that mothers are often prone to, tell you exactly how big your bum looks in those jeans.]
If he knows what's good for him, your boyfriend isn't going to tell you either. Boys are taught at their fathers' knees what the only correct answer to the question Does My Bum Look Big in This? is. 'Don't hesitate for a fraction of a nanosecond,' dad tells his son. 'Don't stare at the telly as though you haven't heard her.' Dad pats his son on the shoulder. 'Whatever you do, don't say something totally reckless and life-endangering like, "So what if it does?" Answer quickly and loudly: NO! No, not a bit! Then get out right quick.'
Your best friend might possibly tell you the truth (depending on how long it takes you to patch things up after an argument and how her bum looks in miniskirts or leggings). The problem here is that if the true answer is, 'No, of course it doesn't', you won't believe her. Even if she swears on Orlando Bloom's life. Even if she says she hopes all her hair falls out if she's lying. [Really, how could you believe her? She's your best friend, for pity's sake. She'd lie to the Queen for you. Why wouldn't she lie to you rather than break your heart????]
Answer True or False
1. I own at least one pair of tres cool jeans in good condition (no ink, blood or Tabasco sauce stains; no holes from when you tried to remove the rhinestones or the labels) that I haven't worn in over six months.
2. I'm afraid of that incredibly sexy red dress at the back of my wardrobe.
3. I don't do scales. Scales are for fish.
4. I quit yoga because the silly cow wouldn't let me wear tracksuit bottoms and a sweatshirt.
5. I never started yoga because not only could the woman on the cover of the manual bend her leg behind her head, she didn't look as if she'd ever eaten a chocolate chip muffin in her life.
6. Last summer when all my mates went to the beach, I got a migraine/sprained my big toe/remembered my promise to clean the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush and stayed at home.
7. I look forward to winter.
8. I gave all my crop tops to the charity shop. (Because I'm a good person. Otherwise, I would have buried them.)
9. The only thing I'll try on before I buy it is a hat.
10. The last time I caught my reflection in a full-length mirror, I screamed.
11. Sometimes I dream that the Muumuu will come back in fashion.
12. If the Muumuu doesn't come back in fashion I might seriously consider moving to Hawaii.
Scoring: A True is worth one point. A False is worth zero. Since it is possible that you might fancy the Muumuu as your frock of choice because you have knobbly knees or screamed the last time you saw yourself in full-length mirror because there was a komodo dragon lumbering towards you from behind.
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here. Up to five points and you can probably believe your nearest and dearest when they tell you that you look absolutely fabulous in those skinny satin jeans. Six points and above and it's time to start restructuring your attitude to lettuce.
All right, it's been decided. It's ridiculous to be afraid of a dress or spend the rest of your life wearing a brightly coloured tent. It's time to go on a diet.
Of course, it isn't AS EASY as that...
[to be continued!!!]
(Note to You: For those of you trying to find my old Diary it is here... )
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Sunday 6th January 2008