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WHAT EVERY GIRL SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DIETING (continued)
First, just to refresh your memory, last month we talked about how you can tell whether you really need to lose a few pounds or if you just suffer from a poor Self Image. [You know, because you're a victim of the conspiracy between the media, the fashion industry, the billions-of-pounds diet industry and women like the wife of President Ronald Reagan who once famously said that a woman can never be TOO THIN!!!! Which is tres ridiculous, if you want to know what I think. Let's get real here. I think we can safely say that although one can't be TOO SMART or TOO KIND (if only!), one can definitely be too thin (and, yes, I am thinking of people like Posh Spice!) My aunt, the radical feminist lesbian, always says that before you believe something, you have to think about who's saying it. In this case, it was a woman who was married to a man who said that trees cause pollution!!!! (I rest my case.) ]
Anyway, we've got the To Diet or Not to Diet question out of the way. You're going to go for it. (If you're not, you don't need to read this, do you?) It's NOW OR NEVER (or at least Not Until Next Month). You've decided that you really really want to wear that white skirt you bought so impulsively last summer thinking it was tight because you were retaining water. Or you're tres tired of having to get two of your best friends over to pull you into those skinny jeans. Whatever the reason, you're about to say Adiós! to the bacon butty and salt and vinegar crisps, and Hello! To green leafy vegetables and portions that make airline meals look like a banquet.
Now it's time to get started.
Some people will tell you that the most important thing is choosing the Right Diet. (Which, since there are about nine TRILLION diets out there, can be tres arduous!) I, however, am not one of those people. [We'll get back to this later, but I would like to mention that my own Personal research shows that a lot of people don't LOSE ANY WEIGHT no matter what diet they're on. That another lot of people GAIN WEIGHT no matter what diet they're on. And that a third lot actually LOSE WEIGHT, whether they're counting calories, carbohydrates, fat or grape leaves.] The way I see it, the most important thing isn't whether you've decided to live on fruit or pasta; the most important thing is having a POSITIVE ATTITUDE.
HOW TO HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
1. Whatever you do, don't think about what you're doing without! I learned this bit the hard way, believe me. The first time I went on a diet, all I could think of was all the things I was missing out on. Mashed potatoes. Double-chocolate fudge biscuits. Carrot cake. Hamburgers. Pizza. Scones slathered with butter and strawberry jam. I thought about FOOD all the time. I only pulled myself together the day my Geography teacher asked what the capital of Estonia is and I shouted out, 'Double-egg and chips!'
2. Distract yourself from thinking about what you're doing without. There are several ways you can do this:
a. Every time you hear your thoughts shifting from mulling over the finer points of quantum mechanics to wondering if that bowl of potato salad's still in the fridge, jump off the sofa and run round the block a few hundred times. Not only is this like tres excellent exercise, but by the time you get back home you'll be too tired to eat!
b. The Mad Cow uses what she calls Positive Reinforcement. This involves putting stick-it-notes all over the kitchen. The idea is that when she starts thinking about pigging out on the leftover lasagne, these notes will bring her back to reality. For example, on the door of the fridge she'll put a ginormous pink one that says IS THIS TRIP REALLY NECESSARY? On the bread or the block of cheddar in the fridge, she'll have a note that says Carrots Are Delicious And Good For You Too! If there's something like a chocolate cake lurking on the bottom shelf that could blow her caloric intake for the next month, she'll stick a note on it that says WON'T IT BE FANTASTIC WHEN YOU CAN WEAR THAT BLACK DRESS AGAIN?
c. Get a hobby. This is Willow from next door's favourite method. Over the years, she's taken up quilting, knitting, metal work, pottery, carpentry, decoupage, sewing, glass blowing, jewellery making, weaving, martial arts, and Morris dancing. She's never managed to lose more than a couple of pounds, but she does have a black belt in karate and can put up a shelf that doesn't fall down in the middle of the night (which is more than anyone in my house can do).
3. Focus on the Future. So instead of remembering with sad fondness the days when you used to tuck into a fry-up on a Sunday morning, imagine the days when you'll be swanning down the high street in some skimpy dress that looks like it's been made out of spider webs. Hear the passers-by whispering too each other, 'Do you think she's a model?' Imagine yourself offering your friends (the ones who've spent the winter gorging themselves on tortilla chips and sticky buns) your old clothes with a tres bored shrug and a simple, 'They're just SO big on me now!' [NB: A word of warning! DO NOT go out and spend all your birthday money on a ton of clothes in someone else's size, no matter how confident you are that pretty soon the pounds are going to just melt away. Wait till they do. There's nothing more depressing than finding that pair of size 5 jeans every time you re-arrange your drawers.]
The second most important thing is WILLPOWER. I used to have this fantasy that I was going to France on the ferry and the boat got blown off course and I wound up shipwrecked on a desert island. There weren't any hostile natives or tigers or anything like that on this island, I had a bag full of books and my Ipod with me (mercifully undamaged by the salty brine), and there was plenty of fresh water, but the only things to eat were coconuts and mangoes. So I had this fabulous beach holiday and when I was rescued a few weeks later I was over a stone lighter and looked like Keira Knightley (but tanned). I was really pretty taken with it for a while. I could see that it would work as well in practice as in theory. But, as Disha pointed out when I tried to convince her to go over to Calais for the day, not only are there NO desert islands within hundreds of miles of the English Channel, but the only reason the shipwrecked diet worked was because there weren't any other choices. You couldn't get tres bored of mangoes after a day and decide to have a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese instead. That's where the Willpower bit comes in.
How Do You Know if You've Got What It Takes?
1. You don't want to just jump into your diet boots and all. You want to take it gradually. You know, build up to it. So you decide that you'll cut back on things in a slow, dignified way. On the first days you'll cut out fizzy drinks. On the second crisps. On the third chocolate. Anything fried gets dumped on the fourth day. Etcetera... So on the first day you get up all full of determination and enthusiasm. You go into the kitchen and open the fridge. There, on the top shelf, like a rose in a garlic patch, is a 2-litre bottle of cola. You:
a. Reach for the pitcher of water
b. Reach for the cola and promptly pour it down the sink
c. Realise that half a glass of cola is not going to matter one way or the other.
2. The first day has gone absolutely swimmingly! You had a sensible breakfast, a wonderful salad (no dressing!) for lunch and a portion of poached fish with half a cup of brown rice and a BIG helping of steamed kale for supper. This means you're allowed two rice crackers with your evening tea - a treat you're really looking forward to. You settle down with the rest of the family to watch a film on the telly. Within SECONDS they're brought out the crisps and the biscuit tin. You:
a. Get your rice crackers and tea at the first break
b. Go to your room for the rest of the night
c. Feel faint from hunger and start reaching for the digestives just to buck yourself up
3. Your friends are all going to the cinema and then for pizza. Since you're not meant to be a friendless recluse but merely on a diet, you go with them. Because the smell of popcorn reminds you of that boy you went out with (one-time Oswald is how you remember him) who stood up and applauded at the end of the film, you aren't even tempted by the popcorn. But then you get to the pizza restaurant. You've never realised before how powerful and penetrating the smells of melted cheese and pepperoni can be. Everyone picks up a menu. The blokes are going to have a giant double-everything with cheese in the crust and an order of garlic bread. The girls are going to share a large cheese and tomato. 'There's plenty for all of us,' they say. They're looking at you. You:
a. Order the mixed salad (no dressing!) and give your two olives to the boys.
b. Excuse yourself to go to the toilet and don't come out until your best friend comes after you because it's time to go home.
c. Eat your salad (including the olives), two pieces of pizza and half the garlic bread.
4. It's been a week, and, man, are you doing well! Fruit and vegetables are practically your middle name. Everybody (even your mother!) is praising you for your stick-to-itness and resolve. You're even becoming something of an expert on the evils of processed and fried foods. 'Oh my God! Do you know what's in THAT?' you exclaim whenever someone tries to offer you a cereal bar. 'Don't you see how overpowering the oil is? You can't even taste the chicken!' you wail when your boyfriend tucks into a bucket of something that might be chicken and has definitely been overpowered by oil. But then one night you find yourself all on your own in the flat. The eyes that watch you as you eat your morning grapefruit and evening salad are out looking at something else. You find yourself standing in front of the opened refrigerator, gazing at the left-over meatloaf that was everybody else's supper the way a starving lion might gaze at a baby zebra. You:
a. Shut the refrigerator door and make yourself a cup of herbal tea.
b. Leave the flat without your keys and shut the door firmly behind you. You spend the rest of the evening on the front step, waiting for someone who does have keys to come home and let you back in.
c. Eat the meatloaf, but blame the dog.
[to be continued!!!]
(Note to You: For those of you trying to find my old Diary it is here... )
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Sunday 3rd Febuary 2008 