You can understand why the I-won't-leave-
the-party-till-the-bitter-end-in-case-I-
miss-something syndrome exists. You can't turn your back for a minute. Apparently, while I was out of the country, Peaches Geldof did a telly programme called "The Beginner's Guide to Islam". It's not enough that we've made mass death, hopelessness and destruction a daily event in the Middle East, now we've got a teenager who said it was "terrible that millions of people have died" in the Iraq war (but that it had to be done) explaining what it means to be Muslim! She couldn't explain what it means to live in a council flat. (She DEFINITELY couldn't explain what it's like to work in a Mexican restaurant!!!!) Peaches did come to the conclusion that "not all Muslims are psychotic fundamentalists". UM DUH!!!! (And how much did it cost for her to work that one out? If you ask me, she's a really good reason for sending your children to State schools!)
The newly weds and their daughter came round tonight. No signs that they're going to get divorced any time soon. Sappho was all riled up (FOR A CHANGE!). This time it was because some writer I never heard of (but who, apparently, used to be a feminist) said that high-powered career women should expect to end up single, and that women should praise men for being wonderful even when they aren't. I said I thought she had a point since if you waited for a man to actually be wonderful you might have to wait a long time. Mags wanted to know what the political climate was like in New York. I said a lot of people speak Spanish.
Back in OLD BLIGHTY. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm sort of glad to be home. The MC made (organic) bangers and (organic) mash for my Welcome Home supper so I'd remember what England's like. (How could I forget? It was raining, wasn't it?) Marcus was well pleased to see me!!!! He said that being without me is like watching telly with the sound turned down. I reckon I should go away more often, he's not usually v romantic. Buskin' Bob was amazed that Disha and I found an organic restaurant on Second Avenue. I said it wasn't like it was hidden, it had a major sign out front that said: ORGANIC RESTAURANT. He seemed genuinely touched that I took a picture of it for him, even though he's going to have to wait to see it till I have enough dosh to have the film developed. The Deadly Duo are back with their mother (thank God - I didn't really think she was going to come back), but just so I don't forget them they moved my room around and disappeared three of my best tops), Since nobody said anything (all systems normal!) I finally asked where Justin was. Apparently, he's back in Mexico!!! I said what about his course? The MC wanted to know what course. I said the one where he does a degree in photography. She said Justin's decided that since he already knows how to take pictures he's applied to read economics and/or politics and/or environmental studies at uni next year. I said does that mean I can his room. She said she'd think about it.
Only TWO MORE DAYS. Aunt Suki gets back tomorrow night so D and I had to start tidying up the flat before she arrives (at least it's small!). Disha says that even if she notices the blender, the missing cups and the broken drawer she won't be too mad since we didn't kill or maim her pets. Not going to mention dog up tree incident.
Disha says it's not just the Prime Minister who is America's poodle. She says coming here has made her realise how like America the UK has become. Same shops, lots of the same clothes, same fast food restaurants, pizza on every corner, etc. Got into discussing what the differences between New York and London are. I said one major difference is that you can't get cheese. (I know that sounds unlikely, but it's true - you can get American cheese, which doesn't really taste like cheese, and American Cheddar, which doesn't really taste like Cheddar, but that's about it). I said also they don't have CTV cameras on every road (which means you've got to be really careful crossing the street as cars are always drifting through red lights as if they're only suggestions). D said the fact that everybody shouts and curses in the street, especially if one of the people involved is in a car. I said she wouldn't say that if she lived in my neighbourhood (we have flocks of traffic wardens down our road, so there's always someone telling them where they can put their ****** ticket and threatening their lives tres loudly and emotionally). D said well what about all the psychics and tarot readers and the like. There's at least one on practically EVERY block. (Which you don't really expect from the most sophisticated and richest city on the planet - it seems v third world to me!) I said I reckon there are even more nail salons than psychics. In England we still think of nails as something you grow, not something you put on to match your outfit.
Went on our mission to get the MC her ethical sneakers today. Might as well have called it Mission Terribly Impossible! Firstly, it was tres far away. Found quite a few streets we would have been happy not to discover. Disha was philosophical (as she often is!). She said that just proves that not everyone in America has plenty of dosh. (Agreed that the good thing about travelling by tube rather than foot is that the people begging on the tube often play a musical instrument.) When we finally got to the shop it turned out to be run by vegans (piles of flyers about not eating meat, or wearing leather, etc) and filled with cats (most of them sleeping on the stock). There was only one vegan in residence, doing something on a computer. Whatever it was must've been pretty MESMERISING since she didn't even look up when we walked in. Finally got her attention when one of the cats came over and scratched me and I screamed. Asked for the black No Sweat High Tops in a seven (which may seem an odd choice of footwear for a woman who thinks that forty is young, but I reckon that if the leader of the TORY party can wear high tops, then ANYBODY can). She eventually came back with a pair of fours. By the time Disha noticed this, the clerk was back at the computer. She looked pretty intense about what she was doing (a lot more intense than she was about shoes!) Shuffled back and forth, waiting for her to look over. This didn't happen. Another bloke who worked there came in, but he hadn't actually come to work, he'd brought his lunch and had come to eat. Then more of their mates came in. They were making us hungry, so we left to get some lunch ourselves. Forgot to go back.
Decided to take Bruno to Central Park today (since we reckoned CP is something one should see, and he has to go for a walk anyway). Because we don't want to look like tourists (which we don't, if you ask me, since we always carry little plastic bags to pick up Bruno's poop, just like real New Yorkers) we never take the guidebook with us. Got well lost. Reckon New York must have been A LOT SMALLER at one time - or Central Park is really misnamed and should be called That Park Way Up There at the End of the Island. Walked MILES. Of course it started raining as soon as we were too far from the house to go back for the brolly. Then when we finally got to the bleeding park (which pretty much looks like any other park, really - you know, trees and paths and people with dogs and small, shrieking children) Bruno chased a squirrel up a tree. Squirrel went up tree. Bruno went up after it. Disha said she didn't know dogs could climb trees. I said, but you know they can't climb down, right? Finally rescued by several young men who looked like they knew people who belonged to street gangs if they didn't actually belong themselves
Not as many obese people as we were lead to believe - unless they can't get out of their tiny little apartments and stay indoors all the time. Actually, a lot of the people we see are quite slender. Which is pretty miraculous, if you ask me, as the food is really good, and compared to London prices they're practically giving it away. Am tres glad I decided not to be on a diet while we're here.
Having a WONDERFUL TIME - REALLY REALLY GLAD NONE OF MY RELATIVES are here. Man in front of us on the street today suddenly threw away this electric cable in a done-with-that sort of way. D says that's what they mean by the Disposable Society. Personally, I can see why Americans think it's their duty to go shopping since everything's so cheap and there's SO MUCH OF IT. I'd always thought the phrase Shop Till You Drop was just meant to be funny, but now I think it's probably descriptive.
Nearly got run over by a delivery chap on a bicycle, going the wrong way on a one-way street. So I've found one similarity between Yanks and Brits - they don't pay any attention to traffic regulations either.
It's definitely true that Americans are tres more casual and extrovert than we Brits. It's not just the way they dress (like they might have to drop everything for a game of baseball at any second), or that they shout in public in a way that most people save for inside their own homes. It isn't even that seem to have a tendency to burst into song without warning and skateboard in traffic or other things of that ilk. D and I were passing this outdoor café this afternoon and this man just leaned over the fencing and SPIT ON MY SHOES! He did apologise, though. So even if they're tres tres casual, they're still pretty polite.
Takes us HOURS to get out of the flat in the morning, as two people can't be in the bathroom at the same time unless one of them's in the shower, so we have to take turns putting on our make-up. When we finally did hit the streets, I had a bit of trauma in the bank today when we went to cash some travellers cheques. The woman wanted to know if I had an account at the bank. I pointed out (tres politely, of course, since I am a representative of the United Kingdom) that if I had an account I probably wouldn't be using travellers cheques (and wouldn't have an English accent!!!!). She seemed to find this v suspicious. Then she wanted to know if I had any ID. I handed her my passport. But when I gave her my cheques we had another problem. She said she couldn't cash my cheques because they weren't American Express, she could only deposit them in my account. I said I didn't have an account, that's why I had the traveller's cheques. Finally got resolved when the manager came over to see why I was crying.
Got woken up at DAWN by the telephone ringing. Staggered out of bed to answer it, but there was no one there. Got back in bed. Phone rang again. This time Disha went to answer it. No one there. Every time we'd start falling asleep it would ring again. Was beginning to think D's aunt has a stalker or something. Was standing there with the receiver in my hand when phone started ringing again. That's when we realised it wasn't the phone at all, it was the parrot. Disha says it's pretty weird that a prehistoric creature can imitate an advanced technological device so perfectly. I think it's a wonder that Aunt Suki hasn't given the bleeding bird to the zoo.
The Londonders Have Landed!!!! (Yesterday, actually, after long, tedious hours sitting with our knees pressed to our chins and children crying all around us. We were so shattered from the journey and all that as soon as we got settled in Chez Aunt Suki we raided the fridge and collapsed in front of the telly to watch car adverts for a few hours.) You'd think big cities where a lot of people speak English like New York and London would be pretty similar, but they're not. New York could only be in America. Disha and I keep pinching each other so we know we're not dreaming. Her Aunt Suki's flat isn't anything like I'd pictured. D says I watch too many films and obviously read too many novels about rich New Yorkers when I was young and impressionable because I was expecting one of those enormous lofts in a v trendy neighbourhood surrounded by artists and rock stars or maybe a penthouse in a building with a doorman and a bloke who works the lift. What we've got is a large cupboard on the fourth floor of a tres steep staircase way downtown, but not so far downtown that it's actually chic or anything. There seem to be an awful lot of people sitting in doorways with paper cups and signs that say things like Please Help Me I Have Four Children, God Bless You. And, also, it's not precisely FREE ROOM AND BOARD. We're meant to look after Bruno the dog (looks like a cross between a Jack Russell and a bat and Florrie the parrot (talks to herself more than my mother does!). Not that I'm complaining. I'd be happy in a small cupboard on the twenty-eighth floor looking after leopards so long as it didn't have any relatives or soon-to-be relatives in it.
Because we have to get up BEFORE DAWN to allow hundreds of hours for checking in so they can be sure we're not terrorists, I spent ALL DAY packing. Every hour or so the MC would come in to inform me that I'm only going for a couple of weeks, not the next six months. I reminded her that I'm going to The Most Exciting City in the World, not a cabin in Wales. She said, "SO?" I said so I have to have more than a pair of Wellies, an anorak and a jumper. There's a lot to see and do in New York (and a lot of people to see you seeing and doing it!!!). Plus, as far as I'm aware. none of the many attractions of New York involves mud, sheep or long hikes through the wilderness. I need to look my best at all times. Manhattan isn't like Camden. In Camden the only people you run into are tourists and telly presenters, but in Manhattan you could run into just about anybody. The MC said that considering how long it takes me to get dressed when the only people I'm likely to run into are tourists and telly presenters she doubts I'll ever get out of the flat.
It's been all TRAUMA and HYSTERIA since I announced that I'm going across the pond with Disha, (otherwise known as the v best friend a girl could ever have) this MONDAY(!!!!). There was a lot of moaning and screaming along the lines of UNNECESSRY AIR TRAVEL, and WHAT ABOUT YOUR JOB? and WHAT ABOUT ALL THE MONEY YOU OWE YOUR BROTHER? and WHAT ABOUT GETTING READY FOR UNI? and things of that ilk. [Note to Self: I am not just going to get OLD, I am going to mature as well!] I pointed out (tres patiently!!!!) that the plane is going whether I'm on it or not so I don't see why I should feel responsible for all the pollution it creates. And although I can always get another job carrying plates of microwaved food to people who can't tell a Cuban from an Argentinean I may NEVER have an opportunity to spend two weeks in New York City. Esp not with FREE room and board. I also pointed out that they're the ones who are always banging on about the value of education - and what is more educational than travel??? Besides that, my going to New York will have less impact on my debt repayments than all the protests of the last five years have had on the Prime Minister's foreign policy (which is NONE WHATSOEVER). And as for getting ready for Uni, my course doesn't start till practically October, and it's not like I have to move or anything is it? All I have to do is get on the bus! Eventually they gave in. The MC said she reckoned that she and Buskin' Bob would be divorced before they got married if they had to spend even one more day listening to me carry on about my unfair life (which, if you ask me, is yet another example of just how tres unfair my life is, since every word I utter is TOTALLY TRUE). And ALSO she realised that I can buy her these ethical shoes she wants while I'm in New York as they'll be like half the price. (Which is probably the real reason she gave in. She's always been tres self-centred.) But In an unprecedented demonstration of sympathy and generosity, Sigmund's even paying my fare!!! So it's all GO!!! All I have to do is pack
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