Not only is there a GOD, but he really really likes me!!!!! Disha's asked me to go to New York with her!!!! She said she doesn't know why she didn't think of that before. I said neither do I.
AM COMPLETTELTY SHATTERED from working at the restaurant. The main difference between Happy Havana and Durango (where I used to work) is that we wear black shirts not white and the manager isn't from Pakistan, he's from The Czech Republic. For some reason his name is George. I asked him why we have a picture of Che Guevara on our shirts and he said because Che Guevara was a famous Cuban revolutionary. I said but he wasn't Cuban, he was Argentinian. George said most people think he's just a famous T-shirt so he doesn't see how it matters. Apparently, nachos aren't Cuban either.
Disha says that Sappho's wedding made her think. I said what about, marrying a woman? She said no, about love. How do you know when you're in love? I know that since I was a professional agony aunt for like two years I should know the answer to that question, but I had to admit that I don't. I mean, Gore the Bore said he was in love with ME, didn't he? And that's only ONE tiny example. As far as I can tell, the Highway of Life is littered with the debris of relationships that looked like love for about ten minutes and turned out to be nothing but pheromones or a couple of Bacardi Breezers. I said I reckon it's a lot easier to tell is you're not in love (you know, because you can't stand the sight of him or you cut up the jacket he left at your house).
I GOT A JOB!!! It's not my first choice of a way to make money - my first choice would be changing places with Keira Knightley - but it'll have to do for now. It's not far from the flat so I can still do it part-time after uni starts. Marcus and I were wandering through the market the way one does, and we stopped for a coffee at this Cuban place called Happy Havana. We waited so long for someone to take our order that Marcus started to nod off so I went in myself. I said to the bloke at the bar (who turned out to be the manager) that I could see why they were open till two in the morning since if you ordered food it would probably take you that long to get it. He said they were short-staffed. I told him that not only am I an EXPERIENCED waiter (though most of that experience was bad), but that I even worked at a Mexican restaurant. (Mexican... Cuban... They all eat corn chips, don't they?) He hired me on the spot.
So the wedding wasn't so bad. All Mags and Sappho's friends who didn't know us thought Marcella was me (I swear, this girl's going to look forty by the time she's SIXTEEN). God knows who they thought I was. Anyway, that kept Marcella pretty cheery all afternoon, and Lucrezia only had one major meltdown (when she discovered there wasn't going to be A REAL WEDDING CAKE with the bride and groom on the top and all). The brides and their daughter all looked pretty cute (even Sappho, and I assure you, that's not a word that's EVER been used to describe her before), and the Germ only ate one of the flowers before she got fed up with holding them and threw them all on the ground. The Very Reverend Jerym Noad kept his part of the service short enough so that you weren't wondering if it was going to be over before you really really had to go to the loo, and (even if I have to say so myself) the Best Man did a tres lovely reading of "If not for You" by Bob Dylan - only marred by her mother's fiancé joining in on his guitar for the last verse (which ended up with EVERYBODY SINGING ALONG!). Besides all of us and Willow and Jupiter from next door and Mags and Sappho's friends, Mags' mother and her brother and his wife came, too. They looked a bit out of place because they're pretty posh and v normal, but they got on all right with everyone (no blood was shed). The only person who didn't was our Surprise Guest! Can you believe it? Sigmund turned up with a woman! She's American, a psychiatrist and her name is Brandeis (which apparently doesn't mean that her parents were so desperate for a male heir that they gave her a boy's name, it's just some family name). I said so does everybody call you Brandy for short and she gave me this you-will-be-tortured-later smile and said that everybody calls her Brandeis. (Given how warm and jolly she is I'm surprised anybody calls her at all!!!)
IN DESPERATION rang Sigmund tonight. I didn't really need to waste the money on the call, since Sigmund said I should read something by Bob Dylan (GEE, THAT"S A SURPRISE!). Unfortunately, I'm going to have to go with that because I know all his songs by heart, even the ones that don't make any sense whatsoever.
EMERGENCY!!!! I was trying to eat my meagre supper whilst Marcella banged on about something devastatingly boring and Lucrezia cut everything on her plate into teeny-tiny pieces (or else the world will come to an end immediately!) when the MC said something about helping her get the flat ready for Saturday. I said what's happening Saturday? She said her sister's getting married. I said ALREADY? The MC said I've always known it was the 18th of August, did I think it was in a different year? This means I've got to think of something to say at the gathering. From the weddings I've been to I'd say the Best Man makes some cute jokes about the groom and all and that's it, but that's not going to work here. First of all, there really isn't any groom. And second of all, you make jokes about Sappho AT YOUR PERIL. The MC says that since I'm Best Man for both of them, I just should read a poem or something about love and wish them good luck. Buskin' Bob said I should read some Bruce Springsteen song about not leaving the other person behind. AS IF! I know it's not like the paparazzi are going to be climbing over the garden wall or anything, but I have my pride. I just hope I can think of something in two days.
Was over at Disha's today and decided that since stress burns off fat (and NOBODY'S life is more stressful than mine) I might as well weigh myself (which I can't do at home, of course, because of the tragic accident that happened to our scales). I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! I lost HALF A STONE!!!!! I reckon it's the combination of the running (we did go TWICE), the starvation (which can last as much as a whole morning) and the fact that I don't eat any chocolate any more since all those people got food poisoning from Cadbury's. Took this as a sign that things were finally starting to go my way. You'd think I'd know better, wouldn't you? Got hit by a psycho-cyclist who was riding on the pavement whilst talking on his mobe on the way home. And did he stop and ask if I was all right? Did he say how sorry he was? NO, HE DID NOT!!!!! He told me to EFF-OFF when I yelled at him!!!!! It made me think as I limped home in the desert-like heat. Humans aren't exactly the best idea God ever came up with, are they? We're always killing other species as well as each other, we've destroyed the planet, and a lot of us ride on the pavement terrorising innocent pedestrians. If you ask me, God should have stopped once He created the whale.
Lucrezia got out of the bedroom again the other night (apparently she's worked out how to unlock the door in her sleep now) and emptied the fridge again. The MC decided it was time for drastic action. I said you mean we're giving her up to Social Services till her mother gets back? Sadly, no. The MC read somewhere that Wayne Rooney can't sleep unless there's a Hoover going, so she decided that maybe if there were comforting sounds in the room Lucrezia would stay in bed at night. So she went out and bought a CD of SOOTHING OCEAN SOUNDS. (Of course, there was nothing to play it on since Justin nicked my sound system, but even though she refuses to help me get my shoes back the MC sorted that out pretty swiftly.) Lucrezia slept through the night like she'd been drugged. I, on the other hand, kept waking up thinking I was on a boat that was sinking.
People really are complicated, aren't they? I mean, Disha Paski is my v best friend in the universe and always will be. And I REALLY AND TRULY want her to be happy. But I obviously don't want her to be more happy than I am, because today when she said she wasn't going to New York after all my first reaction was to scream Whahoo!!! and jump up and down. Not that I did that, of course. I said how awful it was and all. Then she said it wasn't that awful since it hasn't been cancelled, just postponed till next month - and I felt really let down
Disha went with me shopping for my outfit for Sappho and Mags' wedding (Sappho actually gave me the dosh because she knows that if she didn't I'd not only turn up in jeans but BAREFOOT). Got this well cool dress on sale, so I had enough to buy TWO pairs of shoes. Then, since it was TRES hot (Buskin' Bob says that not only are the whales, chimps, tigers, elephants and polar bears etc all facing extinction because of Global Warming, but now, because of people chopping it down, the Amazon Rainforest is about to go bottom up and Britain's going to become a desert - a process that already seemed to be starting on Oxford Street), we bought some cold drinks and went to Soho Square to sit under a tree while we still have some trees. And who do you think we saw cutting through the square? GORE THE BORE!!!! He was with some girl who couldn't possibly know how insane he is because she was hanging on to his arm and smiling. So he didn't kill himself because I broke his heart. All this time I've been losing sleep and feeling guilty and nearly BROKE MY FOOT on the Heath that time, and he's been swanning round town with a girl someone should tell NEVER to wear hip huggers. [Note to Self: There's a lesson in here. Two. The first is: Don't give your number out to strange blokes just because your boyfriend is being unreasonable. The second is: When someone tells you that he'll LOVE YOU FOREVER you should ask him to define his terms!]
Still trying to negotiate my debt with my parents' other child. I'd have better luck with the World Bank. He is absolutely ADAMANT that I owe him like three times what I borrowed in interest. I said the Prime Minister borrowed millions for the Labour Party and he hasn't paid any interest (or anything else!). Justin said but I didn't give him a peerage, did I? Maybe I should ring Bob Geldorf and see if he can help. If he can end poverty in the Third World he should be able to sort me out.
I forgot to lock the bedroom door - MY BEDROOM DOOR!!! - last night (as if I don't have other things to worry about, like Psychobrother sawing up all my shoes) and Lucrezia did one of her sleep-walking things. For some reason (even though she'd rather die of thirst than get up and get herself a glass of juice), Lucrezia, the Zombie That Haunts the House of Horror, emptied the refrigerator. She put EVERY SINGLE THING on the floor (except the jar with one olive in it that the MC's been saving for a special occasion, which she put on the table). The only time I've heard my mother scream like that was when she stepped on that slug that got into the kitchen in her bare feet. Once she stopped screaming the MC made a major stink (she is tres emotional - I wonder if she's going to go through the menopause for the rest of her life). No prizes for guessing WHO SHE BLAMED!!!
My delirious joy over being home is already OVER (Note to Self: Misery lasts a lifetime, but joy has a shorter lifespan than a greenfly!] I NEVER thought I'd hear myself say this, but I almost wish Marcus and I had stayed in the field, even if it was underwater and I counted forty-five bites when I was finally somewhere warm, dry and lighted where I could them! First night I was back I discovered that Justin had taken ALL MY SHOES!!! I mean, what sort of psycho takes all his sister's shoes? (Which leaves me with one pair of hiking boots, a pair of Wellies and my plimsolls, which have a hole in one toe. There was a note on my wardrobe that said: PAY BACK MY MONEY OR ELSE!!! Do other people live like this? I DOUBT IT VERY MUCH!!!
|
Sunday 27th August 2006