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As soon as I decided to write this book I realised what a v tremendous task it is. I mean Life alone could take up hundreds of pages. Love could clobber another thousand. (Which means Shoes could go on for VOLUMES, since a person has a lot more shoes in her life than she has boyfriends!) But I feel that I'm up to it. I'm not going to structure it or over-plan it, because I don't want to destroy my creativity. I'm just going to break it up into manageable sections and write it the way one builds a house (brick by brick). But before I start I'd like to thank not just all the loyal readers who wrote to me with their problems, but my family as well. Without them I might have had a blissfully happy and untroubled teenhood and not had the experience and maturity needed to be an agony aunt (or a SURVIVOR!).
It's sad but TRUE that a lot of the post a professional advice-giver gets comes from girls who are unhappy with the way they look. Which makes sense. Scientific studies have proved that except for Kate Moss and Angelina Jolie just about every female person in the world is dissatisfied with the way she looks. If it's not the nose (apparently, I have my grandfather's, which as far as I'm concerned he could have kept!!!) it's the ears; if it's not the skin, it's the hair; if it's not the thighs, it's the hips; if it's not the breasts it's the teeth; if it's not the weight, it's the height - and sometimes it's ALL OF THE ABOVE! (I once had a letter from a girl who wouldn't go to the beach because she hated her feet - as if anyone's going to be looking at the FEET of a girl in a bikini, right?!) I reckon it's a really good thing that we don't have wings and tails and things like that to worry about or NONE OF US would ever leave the house. So I think it's safe to say that ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE worries about her appearance - and this includes the handful of girls who look like they were designed by Calvin Klein instead of being born from woman with a lot of blood and goo and screaming.
In my opinion, being a teenage girl is a bit like being a marrow at the harvest fair. We don't want to be left to rot on the vine because we're a little on the small side, or our colour's off, or we have a little bump on the side. We want to win the First Prize (or even the Fifth!). And, like a marrow at the harvest fair, we are constantly being judged. It's as if there's some GIANT EYE watching us. You're wearing that? says the EYE. You're going out with your hair like that? Do you really think that shade of pink is you? (This Giant Eye has nothing to do with God. I have it on good authority from my grandmother that God doesn't care about things like that.) But the worst thing, of course, is that when we're not all wound up about being judged by others, we're staring in a full-length mirror judging ourselves. No wonder we're all emotional wrecks.
Dear Aunt-Know-It-All:
I'm not really fat but next to someone like Jennifer Anniston I look like I must eat at least four major meals a day and snack a lot in between. The other day when I was out shopping I tried on these really cool trousers. They looked all right from the front, but when I turned round for the back view my bum looked so big you'd think I was wearing a bustle. It was one of those Moments of Realization my English teacher's always going on about. I decided to go on a diet. I've never been on a diet before so I went to the bookshop to see what they had. They had like a million diet books. All of them say that they're guaranteed to work. Is that possible? If it's true, how do I decide which one to go on? Does it matter?
Bum Like a Jam Roly Poly
Dear Roly Poly:
Your first diet! That means you've really crossed the threshold into Womanhood. I can think of at least half a dozen adult females I know personally who have been on a diet for at least twenty years apiece (which is over a century if you add them up - LONGER than we've had television!). It's less something they do than something they are (on a diet!). Even I went on one! Once. Or maybe twice. All that happened was I gained weight and was always hungry. Willow next door says that she went on one of those Eat All the Carrots You Want diets and she turned orange. And D's mum did the No Carbohydrates on Punishment of Death diet. She stuck to it three whole weeks - and then she woke up at three o'clock one morning, standing in front of the fridge with her face in a bowl of macaroni and cheese. So in answer to your question is it possible that they ALL work: NO. It's more possible that NONE of them work. I mean, if they all work, than why is the government always banging on about how fat we all are?
Dear Aunt K:
I was reading an interview with some famous model the other day and she said that a woman can never be too thin. I've never really worried about my weight, but if that's true then maybe I should start. Do you think it's true?
Pass the Crisps Please
Dear PCP:
I checked with my aunt (who is an expert on women) and she says that the person who first said that a woman can never be too thin was Nancy Reagan, the wife of that movie actor who became President (and thought that trees cause pollution!) My aunt says that the only thing a woman can't be is TOO SMART. She says that if it were true that a woman can't be too thin then EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD (even the ones who are starving to death in the Third World) is overweight. Which really is impossible If I were you I'd forget about going on a diet and have another packet of crisps.
Dear Aunt Know-It-All:
Last Saturday I went shopping with my mum. This isn't something I normally do of course. I find shopping stressful enough without having her following me about, shrieking, 'You're not going to buy that, are you?' But she bribed me with a new pair of shoes. It was one of those days, if you know what I mean. She was already on me by the time we left the flat. (She just doesn't understand that it's all right for her to go out looking like the Before picture in a magazine make-over, but I have standards. What if I ran into someone from school, for Heaven's Sake!) It wasn't until we were on the bus that I realized I'd put on a pair of tights with a hole in the toe because she was rushing me so much. Obviously, I couldn't try on shoes with a hole in my tights. I had to go back and change them. When we finally got to the high street I stepped off the bus and right into dog pooh, so that took a while to sort out. Then we had to try a couple of shoe shops before I found what I wanted, and of course I had to keep popping into the ladies to touch up my make-up. Anyway, to make a long story short, my mum went totally berserk when I wanted to buy an umbrella because it started raining (my goes totally frizzy when it gets wet and she knows it). Blah blah blah blah blah... Did I think I was the ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET? Did I think every body was looking at me? Did I think there was someone waiting to take my picture round every blinking corner? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? (This she screamed right on the street so that everybody turned round. It was SO embarrassing!!! Which is why I don't like to go out in public with her in the first place!) The upshot is that she thinks I'm mentally unbalanced and wants me to see a SHRINK! How can I convince her that I'm NORMAL?
All I Want Is to Look Good
Dear Looking Good:
How my heart ached as I read your letter! We've ALL been there, believe me. My mother once hid every mirror in the house (except the one on the back of my bedroom door, which she covered in Vaseline, knowing there was no way I was going to clean that muck off) because I made her late for some boring thing she was making me go to with her. If you want my honest opinion, I think it's jealousy. At their age they know there's not much point in worrying about their clothes or anything because they're past it and no one notices them anyway, so they turn all their rage and frustration ON US. Not that that's what my mother would say of course. My mother thinks that taking an interest in your physical appearance is just another manifestation of what she calls the incredible self-absorption of teenagers (I'm amazed she'd notice, given how self-involved she is!!!). She says it's down to hormones. She says hormones make your average teenager think that she's replaced the sun as the centre of the universe. So if you want to convince your mum that you're normal you should probably have her talk to MY mother.
[to be continued]
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Sunday 6th May 2007