Marcus says he worries about me going to uni every day on public transport. I said you mean because the trains are always breaking down and the buses set themselves on fire? He said no. Because the UK is now the number one target for al-Qaida. I said I didn't see how that could possibly be true. The Prime Minister SAID he'd made Britain safer. Marcus laughed the way Justin did that time when we were little and I wouldn't believe him that paper came from trees. Apparently, it's only safer if you're comparing it to someplace like Baghdad.
I really think I'm going to have to stop reading papers and magazines, etc. If they're not telling you how many people died in Iraq today and things of that ilk, they're pointing out another way that you're inadequate. Now, apparently, some bloke (it couldn't be a woman, could it?) has worked out how to tell if you've got perfect legs!! How does someone decide something like that? Or even want to? What, he's sitting round the house one day and he thinks how women worry about their noses, their bums, their eyes, their make-up, their nails, their hair, their teeth, their mouths, their weight and whether or not their too smart to get a boyfriend and says to himself: I know! I'll give them something really ridiculous to worry about!!!!?
Went shoe shopping with Disha yesterday. She used to be quite conservative and straight looking, if you want the truth, but now that she's at university she's gone all mod and trendy. (Whereas I, due to POVERTY and LACK OF TIME, have more or less become a lumberjack because jeans and flannels don't need to be ironed or even washed very often!) Disha tried on this one pair of well chunky shoes with really high heels and straps. They were dead cool. At least until she tried to walk in them. She fell over. Disha said she doesn't mind suffering a bit for fashion, but she would like to be able to MOVE.
You can't trust men, you can't trust just general people, you really can't trust the government, you can't even trust your shampoo, spaghetti hoops or your breakfast cereal - and now you can't trust TEXT MESSAGES. Apparently, it's possible to send a text message so it looks like it came from someone else!!! If you ask me, this could be the end of civilisation as we know it.
Now they want TO CLOSE Mt Everest!!! I said I didn't see how you can close a mountain. I mean, it's not Disneyland. It's not like it's got a gate round it or anything. Buskin' Bob said they have to do something because it's become the world's highest rubbish dump. I said that's progress, isn't it? It used to be it was too tall, cold and dangerous to climb. Now it's too full of junk. The MC said maybe only God can make a tree, but only Man can make a river burn.
What with slogging away at Uni, carrying plates of tortilla chips covered with liquid cheese to tourists for a pittance, and trying to have both a love and a social life, I'm COMPLETELTY exhausted. All I can say to that seventeen year old who had triplets and who still wants a career in the law is, GOOD LUCK. I know from Personal Experience (Lucrezia, Marcella and the Germ) how little time children leave you. She'll be lucky to have enough time to find a clean bra in the morning, never mind actually opening a book.
Was flipping through one of Marcella's magazines during a lull between going to school, studying, working and trying to live. Apparently Britain is tres popular with a lot of American celebrities. Some actor said she loves England because of all the beautiful country houses with stables. I've never seen a country house, with or without a stable, in my life (on less you're counting on telly or in the colour supplement) in my ENTIRE LIFE. I assume London wasn't on her itinerary - at least not this part of it.
There's one girl at Uni who wears a veil. She caught me staring at her in the lounge and wanted to know if I had a problem. I said yes. I said I couldn't work out how you can eat out in a niqab. I was thinking that, besides showing respect for God it's a pretty good way of staying on your diet. (You know, no spontaneous stops with your mates for burgers or pizza.) She said not really. She worked out how to eat in it pretty swiftly.
Joy is really elusive and temporary, isn't it? My relief at the return of the waisted jean was tres short-lived. According to the Fashion Guru, Marcella Hospur, the new trousers just don't just have waists, they have HIGH WAISTS. Which means you have to have the body of a young male flamenco dancer (or a matador!!!!) to wear them without looking like a badly stuffed sausage.
Marcella must have that syndrome DIsha was talking about (either that or she's a teenage girl!!!) because she's TOTALLY OBSESSED with her appearance. She arrived for the weekend with SIX different magazines. (It shows you how old I'm getting - I didn't know there were that many!) I said I didn't see why she needed to buy all of them since they cover the exact same topics. I mean, how many articles do you have to read on How to Lose Weight or How to Flirt before you twig that they don't work? She said just because they never worked for me doesn't mean they wouldn't work for someone normal.
Have been wearing skirts since the MC made that crack about hip-huggers. Was therefore TRES relieved to hear that Kate Moss was seen in waisted jeans. That means the shops will soon be full of them. Which should put all those cynics who say models aren't good for anything in their place!!!!
Disha said the United States owns space. I said, well it's a big country. She said she didn't mean that space - she meant the space all round us with the stars etc in it. I thought she was having me on. I mean, one country can't own SPACE can it? It's like owning air. I said who said they could do that? She said their President.
Remember, remember the fifth of November... Like there's even the smallest chance you could forget it! Two small boys tried to hit me up for money for the Guy yesterday. I explained to them that I was not about to contribute even a single penny to a celebration whose high point is burning some poor bloke in effigy. I said I reckoned it was pretty barbaric and that we should be OVER IT by now. Small boys said that they didn't want a penny, they wanted 50p.
Because it's so hard to find anything to talk about with the Mad Cow and Buskin' Bob (that isn't tres depressing), I casually asked them what they thought about Paul McCartney's divorce. Buskin' Bob went into Sarky Earth Warrior mode and wanted to know if the Climate Catastrophe had been averted, Bob Geldof had actually ended poverty, and the arms trade, war, nuclear anything, GM seeds and pesticides had all been banned and no one told him. (Otherwise, WHY would I pick the problems of a billionaire pop icon as a topic of conversation??!!) I said I was JUST ASKING. It was in the news and all. And compared to everything else that's going on, it's a bit of light relief, isn't it? The MC said she feels sorry for Sir Paul. I don't. Did you see those pictures of Heather's hair in the eighties? One look at that should've been warning enough, if you ask me. The MC said she can't wait till I'm thirty and she shows me pictures of how I looked in hip-huggers and thongage.
The Mad Cow and Buskin' Bob went out to get sloshed on organic mulled wine so I got stuck with trick-or-treat duty last night since I'm a working student and don't really have a life that doesn't involve waiting on people who are having a good time and doing my course work. Marcus came over to help me. Here's THE RULE: If the two of you are just sitting there watching people humiliate themselves on the telly no one rings the bell; if you're snogging fifteen witches turn up at the door, one at a time but only minutes apart. Finally got tired of getting up and down and sent Marcus out with the fair-trade sweets. He was TRAUMATISED!!!! No witches, just a bunch of teens who mobbed him and emptied the entire bowl!!! Had to nip round to the corner shop for more supplies (bought a couple of bags of those really cheap candies that glow in the dark no matter what time of year it is). Was set upon by a gang of little boys in hoodies. I said you can't trick-or-treat if you're not in costume. They said they were. They said they were ASBO Boys. Gave them the lot. Marcus and I turned off all the lights and went to my room. Fell asleep.
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Monday 27th November 2006