HELLO OUT THERE!
I'm used to making my opinions public. I've had two of my diaries published as books and I do write a v famous advice column for my school mag (it had mega press coverage), but this is the first time I've gone electronic. (Usually I delete everything by mistake.) So I'm a bit nervous. But there's a universe waiting to hear what I think. So here it goes! (Note to You: If you've been up a mountain in Kathmandu or something and have never heard of me you can go straight to my Christmas letter to get caught up.)
Sigmund's decided to forgive me. He said I was wrong to do what I did, but that he's actually started corresponding with someone who sounds tres interesting. Independent, spiritual, has a good sense of humour, etc. so he reckons he can be magnanimous. But if I do ANYTHING LIKE THAT again he's disowning me. I said you can't disown someone when you live in Kilburn and drive a car that's older than your children.
MAJOR TRAUMA in the House of Horrors last night. Woke up after another nightmare about Gore the Bore. (In this one he wasn't actually dead, he was living in a doorway with a small dog and a tin of Fosters, and instead of one of those signs that say HOMELESS - GOD BLESS YOU! his said JANET BANDRY DROVE ME TO THIS.) Went into the kitchen for a cup of tea. Decided to sit in the garden since Willow says that looking at the night sky always helps her sleep (something reading James Joyce usually does to me). Heard someone creeping round next door. As everyone knows (even if you don't read newspapers - which I try not to do since I find it tres depressing) these are Dangerous Times. Tip-toed back inside and rang the constabulary. Then I woke up the Mad Cow and Buskin' Bob. A copper turned up almost immediately (which I reckoned must be some sort of record, but the MC said he was probably on our road to start with)! (I would've thought they'd send more than ONE to confront a possible terrorist/burglar/psychopath/serial killer since they sent 78 to take his placards away from that bloke at Parliament Square and they know he's harmless.) Turned out it was Mr Burl, sneaking round his garden with a hosepipe even though there's a ban. That wasn't the MAJOR TRAUMA. The MAJOR TRAUMA was after the copper left. Mr Burl came pounding on the door. He was well incensed. I don't usually hear adults using that language unless they're in one of those films where everybody's being shot all the time. Mr Burl said if I'd lived in Occupied France I would've collaborated with the Nazis. Much to my AMAZEMENT, Buskin' Bob came to my defence!!! He started banging on about the environment and squandering our precious natural resources etc (I think he really can't help it) and called Mr Burl an ecological rapist. Mr Burl punched him. Even though Buskin' Bob's a pacifist and never shuts up about how violence only begets more violence, he punched him back. I have to say,Buskin' Bob proved his point. Before you could say Give Peace A Chance both of them were bleeding and they'd broken the lamp on the hall table. [Note to Self: If Buskin' Bob's right about violence, is it possible that he's right about other things, too?] This time they sent two cops.
Asked Disha what she thinks about the fact that Mags and Sappho never argue. Does she think it's because they're both women? Disha said that can't be it. The MC and I are women and we're at it all the time. Ditto Disha and her mum. And Disha's mum and her sisters. (Apparently Disha's mother and her three sisters once had a fist fight on Oxford Street!) I pointed out that Mrs Paski and her siblings aren't lesbians. Disha said that can't be it, because even though Sappho doesn't argue with Mags she argues with EVERYONE ELSE. Which is true. It's a puzzle.
Sappho, Mags and The Germ came over tonight for an early Solstice celebration. Besides the usual blahblahblah about our Pagan Past and the tragedy of Celtic Civilisation being trounced by the Romans, there was a lot of talk about the upcoming nuptials. Sappho thought I was joking when I said I'd only be her best man if Justin was the bridesmaid. She said she's counting on me. I said I reckoned that was a mistake. If you ask me, Sappho's v cynical for someone with so many principles and ideals. She wanted to know how much I wanted!!! I said fifty quid. We settled for thirty. Gave Justin ten to shut him up. I said it was on account. He said on account of what? I said on account of I don't have any more! (Laughed alone as per usual.)
Since I wanted to look like someone like Halle Berry pretending to be a runner in a film and not some competitive cow who would run till her nipples bleed, it took me a while to find the right outfit. Finally settled on black shorts (slimming) and a purple top (purple is my colour). Took the bus to the heath so we didn't start out all sweaty and dishevelled. Disha and I hadn't gone more than a few metres when I saw Gore the Bore. He was sitting on a bench watching me with a long of pain and longing. Ran into a baby buggy. Baby cried, I cried and mother shouted - even though I was the one who nearly broke HER FOOT! Mother of wailing baby wanted to know why I didn't look where I was going. I said why didn't she? Anyway, I was v amazed that Disha hadn't warned me, she was looking where we were going. Disha said it never occurred to her that I wouldn't see a buggy as big as Sigmund's Mini. I said I was distracted because of Gore the Bore. Disha wanted to know where he was. I said on that bench over there. It wasn't Gore the Bore. It was some bloke who looked nothing like him. I reckon the sleep deprivation and the nightmares are causing me to hallucinate. Limped to bus stop.
Have decided to take up running since the diet thing isn't exactly working for me. (At least it's good to know that I'll never be anorexic!) Disha balked at first. Disha said she didn't think running is good for your ankles. I said it's not my ankles I'm worried about at the moment. It's my bum. Pointed out that she was missing some of the hidden benefits of running. Besides losing weight and toning your muscles and stuff like that, you get to prance about in shorts and a skimpy T-shirt, causing men to do endearing things like walk into trees (I saw this happen once in the park!). Disha wanted to know if my goal is to see how many men I can kill before I'm twenty. I said I thought that crack was WAY BENEATH HER. I said and also if I went running on my own I might be mugged or even worse!!! I said she should think how she was going to feel if I ended up a TRAGIC STORY on the front pages of the tabloids. We start on Thursday.
Sigmund broke his VOW OF SILENCE today to ring up to ask me why These Women think he's a chef. I said it beats me. I said now that some man has invented READY-MADE BEANS ON TOAST (it's true!!!) there's something he can fix besides pasta, so he's well on his way to meeting their expectations.
Question for today: Am I the ONLY PERSON on the planet who is astounded that men are meant to be the ones who are logical and rational when (in fact) they're ALL so tres completely unreasonable? Not only does my father REFUSE to speak to me because I selflessly tried to help him, and my boyfriend (SO FAR) refuse to go somewhere with weather and beaches for our hols, but now the Neanderthal Within is insisting that I start paying him back the money I owe him. Right now!!!! I said there's no way I can do that since I can't possibly get a job until after my exams and I come back from my holiday with Marcus. Justin said that if I can afford to go on holiday I can afford to pay him back. I said no I can't. I said in case he hasn't noticed, going to Islay isn't like going to MEXICO and hacking another hole in the ozone layer with your carbon emissions!!! And even a street person could afford to holiday on Islay since there's nothing to do when you get there except look at old stones. I said I've faced a lot of pressure this year and I NEED A REST. How would he feel if I ended up having a breakdown or throwing myself off a cliff because of all the stress I'd endured? He said not as bad as he'll feel if he doesn't see some of his dosh!!!! (Men are not only tres completely UNREASONABLE, they're self-centred and insensitive as well.)
Have started dreaming about Gore the Bore. He's hanging from a beam in his family's loft with a signed pinned to his shirt that says: JANET BANDRY DROVE ME TO THIS. The good news is that no one will find his (GROSSLY DECOMPOSED) body for decades since he has no friends to miss him and his parents probably don't like him either and are relieved he's left home. By then I'll have changed my name by marriage so no one will know that it's ME!!!
According to Buskin' Bob, Tony Blair is the most unpopular Prime Minister since the Second World War. Which explains why he isn't offering the money for reporting on people who diss his administration that the Americans offer. Where would he come up with that sort of dosh? He's already sold off the peerages.
Willow's worried that Jupiter's being adversely affected by not having a male parent. I said you mean he's grabbing women's breasts again? She said no, that phase seems to have passed. Now the problem is that he doesn't like football. I didn't see what the big deal is. I had a male parent and I don't like football. Willow said but I'm not a boy. Boys are meant to be football mad. I was shocked that someone who does her own plumbing repairs and who gave her son a doll for his fourth birthday would buy into gender stereotyping like that. Willow said she's not the one into gender stereotyping, it's the other boys in Jupiter's class. I said I'd be happy to lend her one of my males to bond with Jupiter but Justin's only into football if it's played by men in balaclavas (he's got about a hundred pictures of Zapatistas playing it!), Marcus is too busy with his A-levels, Buskin' Bob has a thing about competitive sports (of course!) and Sigmund thinks a hat- trick is something magicians do with a rabbit. I said it's too bad she can't find a boyfriend, then she could knock off two birds with one stone. Willow said IF ONLY. She said she's more or less resigned to being a Born Again Virgin. She doesn't meet men she wouldn't go out with, never mind ones she would like to date. I suggested she tries internet dating. I said I have it on good authority that it works.
May have to go next door to Willow's tomorrow and Saturday to revise since fleeing to Kilburn is NOT an option. Sigmund's still pissed off about me registering him for Internet Intimates. Personally, I don't see what he's got to complain about. He's had dozens of e-mails already. You'd think he'd be thanking me. But Oh, no, not my father! Sigmund thinks I should get a job with the American government since they like spying on their own citizens and interfering in other people's affairs as much as I do. He said he should make ME answer them. (Like I don't have enough to do!!!) The good news is that since he won't let me into his flat he'll have to answer them himself. I said how long is he planning to keep his ONLY DAUGHTER out of his home and he said until he feels he'll be able to sleep through the night with his only daughter up to God-knows-what in the next room.
Buskin' Bob was banging no about Climate Change again tonight. I said what about that Exxon ad? He hadn't heard about it (which makes a first!). I said the one about glaciers and carbon dioxide. The ad says that the glaciers aren't really melting and that carbon dioxide isn't pollution, it's LIFE. I don't usually make them ALL laugh at one time, but they got pretty riotous at that. When the hilarity finally subsided, Buskin' Bob said that even he was amazed at Exxon's bogosity. Justin wanted to know if I still believe in Father Christmas.
|
