HELLO OUT THERE!
I'm used to making my opinions public. I've had two of my diaries published as books and I do write a v famous advice column for my school mag (it had mega press coverage), but this is the first time I've gone electronic. (Usually I delete everything by mistake.) So I'm a bit nervous. But there's a universe waiting to hear what I think. So here it goes! (Note to You: If you've been up a mountain in Kathmandu or something and have never heard of me you can go straight to my Christmas letter to get caught up.)
The Mad Cow and Buskin' Bob have decided that it's not enough that we don't buy anything that anybody else buys (or even go into a supermarket unless we're being chased by cheetahs), recycle EVERYTHING and can't buy a new toaster because it's more eco-friendly to fix the old one (except NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT). Now they've decided we're going to have one ELECTRICITY-FREE day a week. I thought she meant the electric company was giving us a day when we didn't have to pay anything. She said not likely. I said what are we meant to do about food? She said the cooker's gas, but raw food's v good for you. I said what about TV and the radio? She said we don't need the telly or the radio to entertain ourselves. Oh BRILLIANT. Now we all get to sit around in the dark singing songs about hobos and eating carrot sticks. I said to make certain to tell me when this is happening so I can be out.
Tried to convince Disha that we should do a little detective work re Will. She said you mean SPY ON HIM? I said no, just do a little detective work. You know, stake out his house when he's meant to be meeting Disha and see where he goes. She said what about TRUST? I said I didn't say she shouldn't trust him, I just think she should check first. She said it sometimes really frightens her how my mind works.
The Gruesome Twosome were meant to stay with their mother this weekend but they didn't. Lucrezia set the microwave on fire trying to kill the germs on the kitchen sponge. She heard it on the radio. Only she missed the part where the sponge should be wet. So she and Weeping Woman were sent here while her mother recovers. Needless to say, we DON'T HAVE A MICROWAVE. We don't even have a toaster!
The toaster broke last week. Which means we've had no toast. Asked the MC when she was thinking of replacing the toaster and she said she's not. She's SICK of our throwaway society. From now on we're going to REPAIR things, not just chuck them out and buy another one. I said I didn't know anyone did that sort of thing any more. She said they don't. Buskin' Bob's going to fix it. I said when? She said soon. I said I hope he does it faster than he's saving the planet.
Emergency call from Willow tonight. She was unintelligible. Just to show how AWESOMELY BORING life is here in the House of Horrors, we all went round to see what had happened. Mars the demented dachshund got his head stuck in a jar! (Didn't ask how he managed that.) Willow was flitting round the kitchen lighting incense and soothing aroma therapy oil (so if Mars didn't asphyxiate himself in the jar he could choke to death on all the fumes). The MC wanted to ring the Fire Department. Buskin' Bob wanted to grease the opening (which pretty much meant greasing the dog) and try to ease him out. Jupiter (who if you ask me is the only practical member of his family) wanted to smash the jar with a hammer. I said it was too bad we didn't know any burglars. Willow said WHY? For comic relief? I said no to bring the glasscutters. Buskin' Bob ran next door to get his (for making glasses out of old bottles, not for robbing the neighbours). Cut himself getting the jar off, but Mars was fine.
Major TRAUMA this morning. The MC found the charred remains of my Valentine's dinner in the bin. Didn't I know we're BOYCOTTING M&S. I said it must have slipped my mind. What I did KNOW was that I pushed them well down so I can only assume that she's taken to sifting through the rubbish again. (How SAD is that?) I said I should think that someone who's always banging on about living in a Police State would be above snooping. She said she wasn't snooping, she was putting out the trash and the bag broke. Which might encourage me to DO MY CHORES in the future. I said it wasn't likely.
Stopped by Disha's this afternoon to return the dress. Asked her how her Valentine's Day was. She said it was pretty much like every other day, except it had taken her longer to get ready for it. Apparently, Will NEVER TURNED UP. I said where was he, Alpha Centauri? She said he fell asleep. Forgot about not being critical. I said you mean on top of everything else this bloke's got narcolepsy? She said he was just v tired. You know because of uni and his part-time job and all. I asked her if she could hear herself. I said didn't all these (BAD!) excuses remind her of anyone? She said no. [How quick they forget!] I said well they reminded me of the Wizard of Oz. He was always breaking dates and all, and it turned out he had another girlfriend. She says she can't believe Will would do a thing like that because he's so honest. I said that's what people used to say about Tony Blair.
All started well last night. Filled the living room with candles (you know, like they do in movies) so even our hovel looked tres romantic. Marcus arrived with a paper rose he made me (nobody listens to anything Buskin' Bob says except Marcus). Tripped over a pile of papers on the floor and wanted to know if we'd had a power cut. I said it was meant to be romantic. (After his eyes adjusted he said he LOVED the dress!)Put dinners in oven and snuggled up on the couch with Marcus. The phone rang. Let the machine get it (that's what it's for, isn't it?) I knew right off it was Marcella because she was sobbing. Marcus said I should pick up because it sounded like an emergency. Marcella didn't get a valentine. I said I thought I told her she should send herself one so at least she could pretend like everybody else does. She said she did but it didn't turn up. I said she should pretend that it did. Went back to couch. Got all involved snogging till Marcus suddenly pushed me off and sat up, sniffing. He wanted to know if something was burning. It was. One of the cushions from the sofa had slipped onto the lamp table and made contact with the Jolly Snowman candle left over from Christmas. Luckily it wasn't one of the new, eco-friendly, 100% organic cotton cushions but one of the old, synthetic and treated with chemical ones so it was smouldering but not actually in flames. Marcus said he still smelt something burning. I reckoned it was residual, but it wasn't. It was our supper. Marcus said we didn't need food, we had love (personally, I would've liked a burger or something to go with it). We didn't have love for long though because Sigmund turned up with Duck Dog and a bottle of wine. He wanted to know is we'd had a power cut. I said what we were trying to have was a romantic Valentine's Day dinner (didn't mention that it was WITHOUT food). Like he should be having with the Stepmonster. He said she threw him out because Duck Dog opened the fridge and ate everything in it that wasn't protected by glass. I said she couldn't throw him out of his own flat. He said she could. I said well what was he planning to do. He said he was doing it. He was kipping on our couch for the night. Scurried to my room to put on jeans and flannel while Marcus turned the lights back on. Marcus said we could go for a romantic, moonless stroll but I figured we were bound to get mugged. Put the Mad Cow's old video of Moonstruck! on to salvage some of the romance. Sigmund and Marcus both fell asleep.
Even though Buskin Bob's not KNOWN for romantic gestures (unless you count singing "I Threw It All Away" outside the locked bedroom door the last time they had a major row - which I don't!), he's taking the Mad Cow out in public to celebrate the day. So Marcus is coming HERE for a romantic evening indoors with just the two of us. Which is a MAJOR THRILL, believe me. It's usually easier to be alone in Leicester Square than it is in this house. I borrowed that awesome red dress from Disha (since we're not going out it doesn't matter that you can't wear anything under it) and bought two Eat Well ready-made meals from M&S (well, I'm not going to COOK for God's sake!).
I hardly ever get anything in the post so I was well curious to find a letter addressed to me on the hall table when I got home. I've always dreamed of receiving a letter that says I've just inherited a million pounds from some old dear I helped cross the street one day who never forgot my incredible kindness, so I RIPPED it open. It was a fine for fifty quid!!! Apparently, last time I went to the recycling centre with the Mad Cow I left a cardboard box where I shouldn't have and was being done for illegal dumping of domestic waste! I said, what? Unlike all the crisp wrappers and drinks containers on the road? I couldn't work out how they knew it was ME but the MC said I must've left the address label on the box. (Well you would, wouldn't you?) MC said this was what she means by a POLICE STATE. I wrote back and said they'd made a mistake. I'd given some stuff to Oxfam in the box and someone from there must've illegally dumped it. The MC said I better hope I wasn't caught on camera.
Marcus said he'd like to get one those new Apple iPhones. You know, the ones that are a cross between an iPod and a mobe. He said he reckons they're tres convenient. You know, one gadget that does the job of two. I said the only people they're really convenient for are muggers, you know, two gadgets for the effort of nicking one.
I may not have mentioned this (I DO have a v busy life of my own, after all) but Lucrezia's been expanding her repertoire of Things I Can Do So Everyone Know's I'm TOTALLY BONKERS lately. She's become a cleanliness freak! She was up and down like a rowboat on a stormy sea at supper tonight. She must've washed her hands at least TEN times before she'd finally sit down. Buskin' said he'd wager the Prime Minister wasn't washing his hands like that, and he's got blood on his. Lucrezia said the Prime Minister had no one to blame but himself for that - he should have worn gloves.
Rang Disha tonight for a chat. Because of my VAST experience as an Agony Aunt, I could tell right off that she was in Dark and Despairing Mode. This could of course have been because it's February (Sigmund says it's the Suicide Month, which is why they made it so short) but my instincts cried NO, THAT'S NOT THE REASON!!! I asked her what was wrong. She didn't want to tell me. She said it was Nothing. Which meant to my trained ear that it had to be about Will. I said but I'M YOUR BEST MATE - you have to tell me!!!! She said any time she tells me something about Will I'm critical and negative. [Which is obviously her PROJECTION! Everybody knows that the only woman in the Bandry family who is critical and negative is my mother.] Finally got it out of her! (If there's one thing living with The Bandrys has taught me, it's how to wheedle!) Apparently she waited outside the Tate this afternoon for Will for TWO AND A HALF HOURS, and only gave up and went home because she was afraid she might lose her toes if she stood in the cold any longer than that. It boggles my mind how two people in The Age of Communication never manage to communicate. Disha said it's mainly because Will always leaves his mobe behind because he's tres forgetful. (So it's just as well he doesn't have to remember to breathe or anything like that.) I said well where was he then? She said he was at the other Tate, you know, the modern one. I said so why didn't he ring her on HER MOBE? Surely there is a call box somewhere south of the river. She said he didn't think of that. If you ask me, Disha could do a lot better than a bloke who has the memory and intellect of a goldfish, but I didn't say anything. God knows I don't want to be thought critical and negative!
|
Tuesday 27th February 2007